Oh, the questions. So many are running rampant through my head today.

  1. Why did I finally cave in and buy the skinny jeans with the tapered ankles? The kind I hadn’t worn since 7th grade? The kind I’ve mocked relentlessly since they became popular again? Yeah, OK, so they make you look sleek and trim. If you’re a size 2. On me? My thighs resemble two sausage links in a stretch denim casing. And not even the good kind of sausage. I’m talking the industrial-grade gray logs found languishing in many a school and corrections facility cafeteria. You want some canned gravy with that?
  2. What the heck does our caterer have against our guests drinking booze during the ceremony? Ah yes, he thinks it will make things get out of control and it will be difficult to corral them and make them sit down. That’s right, because it’s not like the courtyard is an enclosed space or anything, and furthermore it’s safe to assume that upon taking that very first sip of alcohol they will completely lose their minds, strip the tablecloths from the reception tables, and set off down the street in a spontaneous toga party parade, very likely setting small fires along the way. You know, I’ve seen booze successfully consumed at two wedding ceremonies thus far, and I like the casual-community-gathering feel it imbues — I want our guests to be able to laugh and relax and toast us. On the flip side, serving alcohol during the ceremony — even if it is just pre-poured glasses of cheap wine — amounts to buying more alcohol, which amounts to spending more money. Should I fight for this one, or just throw in the towel?
  3. Can one develop a meaningful relationship with cheese? If so, I am having a dizzying fling with Trader Joe’s sharp cheddar pub cheese. Do they actually serve this at real pubs? Is it OK to pretend that I’m at a pub when I eat it? Even though I am not at a pub, I am standing in my kitchen at home, and I am desperately seeking out something salty and cheesy to distract me from the fact that HOLY CRAP, THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING ALL MY MONEY?*
  4. Can we please ban Queen’s “We Will Rock You” and Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll (Part 2)” from all sports arenas? Because seriously. Just seriously.**
  5. How are you supposed to go about finding somebody to marry you when a) you don’t really identify with a particular religion, and b) you don’t really know a suitable friend or family member? I downloaded the list of local officiants from the county clerk, and maybe 1/5 of them have websites listed. Roughly half of them even have email addresses. So do I just pick a name at random, call them up, and be like: Yo, spin me a sample of ur ceremonial beatz? I dunno. Maybe I can at least narrow down the options via the list’s helpful “notes” column that details such important information as which officiant is a “Christian Spiritualist,” which can do “Incarcerated ceremonies,” which is the “Former Lompoc Mayor,” and which is a “Sea Captain.” Sea captain? Sold!
  6. Miller Lite commercials can go to hell. They can go to hell and die.***
  7. Oh, that’s not really a question. Hmm.
  8. Should I be alarmed at the beau’s eagerness to try a KFC Double Down sandwich? Would you try a Double Down sandwich? I totally would… if it wasn’t from KFC.
  9. I hate money.
  10. Oh shit, that’s not a question either.
  11. Gah. I give up.

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* Estimated tax payments for the self-employed are due 4/15, 6/15, 9/15, and 1/15. Which means I have to make THREE tax payments in the coming five months, while I’m trying to save for the wedding. FML.

** Oh, but I do enjoy when they get creative. Like during a hockey game, when a player from the home team gets sent to the penalty box, and they play Weezer’s “Say it Ain’t So?” Relative obscurity FTW!

*** In that order.