When the beau and I decided to get hitched, I got nervous about the state of my relationship. With my mother.
Even before I got engaged, I bore witness to mountains of drama between brides-to-be and their parental units. Serious tales of mothers run amok. My own friends and coworkers were having teary knock-down, drag-out fights with their moms over everything from what to serve for dinner to how inappropriate the venue was to how the bride’s hair should be done for the big day.
I wanted to believe my own mother wouldn’t be like that, but I didn’t know. Maybe the very news of our engagement would spark a series of genetic mutations inside of her that had theretofore lain dormant, and before I could mumble “I don’t think I wanna wear a veil,” MonsterMom would stagger up from the swampy depths and rear her ugly head. I just didn’t know, right? So I held my breath. And waited.
After several months of our engagement had gone by, I was finally ready to exhale. My mom has been an absolute gem about the wedding. Sure, I could say that living on the opposite coast helps — actually, I will say it. I’ll shout it from the rooftops, even: THE DISTANCE FROM THE FAMILY. IT HELPS WITH THE PLANNING OF THE WEDDING. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT, YOU KNOW. ALL UP IN YOUR GRILL 24/7.* Still. She deserves credit for keeping it mellow throughout the entire planning process.
Well, yeah. I threw her for a bit of a loop when I told her we weren’t getting married in the Catholic church,** but she recovered nicely. Since then, I’ve kept her informed of anything and everything that we’ve considered for the wedding: an asian-fusion menu***, farmers’ market flowers, a colored wedding dress, no favors. And on all of these matters, she has poured forth nothing but encouragement. I once marveled on her open-mindedness and she said to me: “Honey, I’ll give you my opinion if you want it, but it’s your wedding. You need to do what’s right for you.”
This is every bride’s wet dream, right?
Well, if you’re familiar with the use of foreshadowing as a literary device, then you know that this is where the plot suddenly takes a long slow fall off of a tall cliff. Because: OH HELLO, BRIDAL SHOWER, I DIDN’T SEE YOU LURKING OVER THERE.
My mom was the one who convinced me to have a bridal shower in the first place. It would be fun, she said. It didn’t have to be about games or gifts, she said. Maybe some of my aunts could even make it, and it would be nice and fun. Sure, I replied. I like fun. Sign me up.
She volunteered to help me, along with one of my brigadiers, plan and organize it. And that’s when the shit got wild, yo. Every week, sometimes more than once, she calls me up and proceeds to confound me with a new, urgent issue. So far, we have covered the following:
- Who must be invited so there will be No Hurt Feelings.
- What kind of invitations I want.
- Nevermind, the invitations have been purchased, and they are Very Cute.
- How I need to create a shower registry, even though I never wanted this “fun party” to look like a gift grab.
- Whether my shower registry should be the same as my wedding registry, or separate, and if they are separate whether that is rude and/or weird.
- What colors my bridal shower should be.
- Whether I’m really, truly sure that I don’t want to pick any colors for my bridal shower.
- What kind of tableware we need to purchase for this function.
- What do I mean, “What is tableware?”
- What food we want to serve. We must decide on the food so that we can obtain the appropriate tableware. We do not want the plates bending or folding under the weight of the food, after all.
- MAYBE THE COLOR OF THE PLATES CAN MATCH THE COLOR OF THE DESSERT, AND MAYBE THOSE COLORS CAN COMPLEMENT THE FAVOR BAGS.
- How I need to prepare favors to give to my guests.
- Potential favor themes, including but not limited to a “Santa Barbara” theme; and whether or not the “Santa Barbara” theme should involve cheese.****
- What kind of bags I want to put the favors in.
- Nevermind. The favor bags have been purchased. They are black and white, and Very Cute.
- Custom ribbon printed with the wedding date, and how awesome it would be to use it on, like, everything.
- Whether my brigadier has decided to make red velvet cupcakes for dessert or not, and if so, how adorable it would be to use red as the accent color.
For the record, I don’t really mind that she’s taken over the “details” part of the shower. I can let that go because it doesn’t matter so much to me, and it makes her happy to boot. But I am just a bit shell shocked by the stridency of it all. It’s like my mom and I are enacting a wedding battle in miniature, here. All I can say is: Thank god it’s not the real thing.
Your mothers: Have they driven you crazy at any point during the planning process? Or what?
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* Oops. Sorry! The caps lock, she gets stuck sometimes.
** She asked me twice: Are you sure you can’t have a Catholic wedding outdoors?
*** Ah, those crazy days when we thought we had a bigger budget. Wipes tear, pours a little liquor on the curb in remembrance of the Benjamins that were lost in Ye Olde Federal Taxe Clusterfucke ’10.
**** Me: “Dude, Mom, cheese needs to be refrigerated! What are we gonna do, keep the favor bags in a cooler all afternoon?”
Oh, dear. It couldn’t all so smoothly 🙂
My Mum started stressing about colour scheme right away. Like, I had to decide what colour bridesmaids’ dresses I was going to have so she could start planning her outfit. And then how everything in the reception venue needed to match the bridesmaids’ dress colour and shade. Oh dear.
She has mellowed somewhat now as I have decided on a dress colour for the Irish shindig. She is constantly on eBay bidding on fur shrugs/fascinators/etc.
I don’t know many peeps in Oz who have showers. So I don’t believe I’ll have to deal with that.
What is up with moms and color schemes? It’s an obsession. 🙂
Interesting! No showers. Are any other parties/events traditionally thrown for the bride and or groom?
My mother has been mostly unexcited and disinterested in my wedding so far… except to tell me off for spending so much on it, until my dad pointed out that based purely on inflation my wedding is costing the same or less than theirs 26 years ago! It doesn’t bother me too much though, compared to some people’s mama drama stories.
This post has been the highlight of my morning. Thanks 🙂
And please, what is the point of a bridal shower? I think I want one but that’s what my mother keeps asking me and I have noooo idea. kthx.
Well typically, you know, the shower serves as a means to equip the bride with household goods or lingerie, and I wasn’t about that so much. What really convinced me to have one was the opportunity to get people together. When else will some of my aunts and friends come together to have a good time? It sounded like an awesome, once-in-a-lifetime chance to expand on the “community” aspect of the wedding.
Still, as my mom pointed out, people who are invited will want to bring gifts. Don’t get me wrong, I like gifts, but I hadn’t wanted it to be a party FOR the gifts — that’s usually the point of the shower, after all.
So, I don’t know, I’m kind of striking out and going my own way. First of all, I made the focus on the food and the wine, so that it’s more like a little afternoon party. Second of all, I’ve been considering using an alternative to the registry — giving my guests an option to make a donation to a worthy cause that’s dear to me. But seriously, at the same time, I need some new towels really bad. Sigh. But that mental battle is a whole other post.
My mom was unexcited too. She seemed unphased when we first got engaged and my fiance even did the uber-traditional Filipino thing and asked for their permission (even though we had already talked about it and agreed it was a done deal). Our family has been through some tough things- addiction, depression, job loss, financial trouble and my mom admitted to being so overwhelmed with those things. It hurt, but I understood. But recently (and we’re 4 months away from the wedding day) my mom has been involved, excited, and encouraging. She gives her opinions, at times they are strong, but if we disagree and it’s something I don’t want or can’t afford, she doesn’t push it. I’m her eldest so this is all new for her (and me too), but I think she’s actually starting to feel like her daughter is getting married. I feel lucky that she is so supportive of my fiance and I.
That’s awesome! I’m glad your mom has come around. For all that I complain about this shower thing with my mom, I’m glad to have her overall support — it makes the process that much easier.
You know, and I was thinking about this on my drive into work, I’m not having a bridal shower. I mean, that doesn’t really bother me… well it sorta does, but only because my mom hasn’t mentioned one. It couldn’t be a surprise because she’s horrible at keeping secrets, but do you think its appropriate to bring it up?
Oh, and thank you! I really enjoy your writing!
Thanks! Hmm. Do you actually *want* one? Or are you just curious why your mom never bothered to ask you if you wanted one?
I was the one who brought it up with my mom on the phone. I think I said something like, I’m conflicted about the bridal shower thing. We got to talking about responsibilities and traditions and it just took off from there.
Maybe you can broach the topic with your mom simply by asking whether or not she had a bridal shower, or ever threw one for one of her friends. It could just be that your mom hasn’t really been involved in one, so she didn’t think to ask you about yours. Either that or she assumed it was your friends’ responsibility to plan.
Good idea! Thanks!
This sounds great, as oppossed to my sister, who won’t tell me any details of the shower or involve me at all, even though I hate surprises and dont have anything in common with and have never been close with her. Oh yeah, and she thinks everything about our wedding is weird, which also doesn’t bode well for the shower. So yeah. Stinks.
Anyhizzle. I am glad your mama has mostly been sane.
“Well, if you’re familiar with the use of foreshadowing as a literary device, then you know that this is where the plot suddenly takes a long slow fall off of a tall cliff.” This line cracked me up. And I have to admit I didn’t see the twist coming!
I’m sure in the end your shower will be a lovely party. There will be red velvet cupcakes! And gifts! And you don’t have to plan it.
first off, this post was awesome and hilarious. can i just say i totally relate? its like a second mini wedding which is the last thing i need. it is the one thing i thought would not stress me out since ‘other people’ are handling it but alas. not so much. also the rehearsal dinner? third mini wedding????
blerg
oh that was good – I too did not see that twist coming!
My mom is actually across the globe in Finland. And us Finns just don’t get our panties in a twist over weddings quite as much as us North Americans (I’m both now). So besides asking me “So you’re not getting married in a church?” and me replying “No, no and no” she hasn’t questioned our decisions and has been totally great.
However (here comes my own twist) one of my good friends is like an adopted mother. She is a little Martha Stewart, knowing the official name of every flower, dress detail and food type on earth. She is big on how things “should be done” and thinks it would be “weird” if both the fiance and I walked down the aisle with our parents. I argued her out of the shower despite her pleas of it being a rite of passage, but her planning of the bachelorette party sounds eerily similar to your mom’s planning of your shower. Yes, I have been asked about tableware for the bachelorette. ummm… how about just some glasses… with booze in them?
HA HA! I concur. All you need for the bach party is a cup o’ booze… sounds like your dear friend is trying to turn your bach party into the bridal shower. Oy vey.
Your Finnish mom sounds awesome. Gotta love the straightforward approach.
Nina, did you do any Finnish traditions at your wedding? Like morsiamenryöstö? I don’t meet many Finnish brides–email me if you have a moment!
What is up with all of the apethetic moms? Mine changes the subject any time I try to bring up wedding stuff. She’ll be there, but, um, not so much … interested.
I can’t think of any engagement/wedding parties that don’t involve the bringing of gifts, which is a shame for those of us who don’t want or need anymore stuff to cram into our overflowing closets and cupboards.
I am totally guilty of this, btw: “Nevermind. The favor bags have been purchased. They are black and white, and Very Cute.”
Sarah, I agree. I’m kind of on the fence about the gift thing. On one hand, there’s some stuff we could definitely use. On the other, we’ve already been living together some years and we have very little storage space in the house.
One thing I considered — I already mentioned it to roughit up there — was making an alternative registry where guests can donate to an organization if they so choose. That way we get an excuse for a party without the hassle of STUFF.
I love this idea. When we finally get around to designing our website, we’re going to include a “registry” page that says something along these lines (this is the off-the-cuff version, of course, because we haven’t gotten around to actually putting the website together yet and I’m sure there will be some sort of half-clever lead-in, but you get the idea):
If you really, really feel that you just have to spend money on a gift, please spend it on one of these organizations that are dear to our hearts:
[Links to donation pages for 3-4 of our favorite charities and explanation of what kind of work they do; I’m considering including my daughter’s school on this list so I don’t have to bake so many friggin’ cookies for the public school bake sales.]
i enjoyed reading this post!!! mothers like to be useful 🙂
My mother informed me waaaay back in October that she wouldn’t be coming to the wedding because she couldn’t afford the plane ticket. The $80 dollar plane ticket. That she had 8 months notice to save for. I could pay for it, of course, but she would just find something else to make a Big Deal about, so at this point, I’m not doing anything.
My mom hates that I’m getting married (she and my father are divorced) and thinks anyone I have ever been serious about is “just like your father” so needless to say she has been very uninvolved. She always changes the subject/has something negative to say when I ask for her help or opinion on something, or just never responds to me at all. Then she got upset because she felt like I wasn’t involving her in the wedding. ARGH.
She did tell me that she “and my brother” think I’m making a mistake and almost weren’t going to come because of some unspeakable thing my father did (didn’t give her more money beyond alimony when she randomly demanded it of him).
I actually wish my mom cared enough to even *ask* about a color scheme.
Oh hey – all of you pondering about showers but not wanting to be loaded with household things you can’t fit anywhere, I heard this great idea somewhere: a book shower! Everyone gifts you with a book (new or used) and you get to build a little library! (and maybe a few friends will pitch in together to get you a beautiful world atlas filled with glossy pretty maps…)
Ohhh… I love the books idea!!! I might almost be tempted to use that as an idea for people who just have to buy “things” for a wedding, since we are planning a honeymoon registry because we dont need “stuff”… Yay for good ideas!
That is an awesome idea! I think I saw something similar on A Practical Wedding. Didn’t Meg register with Amazon? We could definitely build our “library.” If Josh wants one of those rolling ladders for his future-floor-to-ceiling-bookshelf, the book shower is a great way to start!
I concur. I love this idea as well. Smart one, Nina!
Excellent! I’m trying to give my parents ‘jobs’ to keep them occupied but it usually ends up with more questions and stress than if I’d done it myself. humph….
I’m sure your shower will be super cute once it arrives
I feel your pain. The first thing my sister said to me when we got engaged was “Don’t let mom take control.” Yes, I imagine us living on different coasts might make it a little easier except she’s on the same coast as the wedding will be. There have been a few surprise decisions made without conversations with me and my fiance. Like the band she booked to play from 7-11 when we told her that my fiance has been working on an iPod mix for months! Or the florist she booked when I told her five million times I was going the flower market route. I’m not sure how we went from being on the same page (not wanting to spend a lot of money or have an outrageous wedding) to the complete opposite of that. Something about a daughter’s wedding makes mothers want to plan the wedding they couldn’t have or couldn’t afford.
Oh man! I can’t believe she actually went so far as to book a band, and hire a florist! Wow. That’s being, um, a little *too* helpful.
I am crossing my fingers and hoping that not much more drama is thrown your way.
Oh moms. The best ones try really hard, but then wedding insanity creeps in and grabs them too. We know it’s insidious because we live it every day, but they the insane peer pressure from their friends/friends’ childrens’ weddings and the expectations for The Way Things Are Done.
My mom had a laid-back backyard wedding, so I expected her to be pretty chill about our plans. Hahahahahahaha. Once we had a Serious Talk (pre-engagement, mind you!) she calmed down and became the sane woman she always had been. Until my recent venue issues, during which she became bride-mom insane again with her just-in-case venue option research. IN-SANE. Like her wiser brain parts had locked away the crazy, but with the merest option for wedding input, it burst down the door and took over.
In general, my mother has been amazing. But I think the WIC (and the emotions of daughters getting married) gets mothers too, in some small way at least. I’ve had my not-pretty wedding moments too, so I’m trying to forgive her for hers. And I’m trying to let go of any hopes/expectations/input for the Rehearsal Dinner, since that’s my mom’s equivalent to your mom’s Bridal Shower.
Really good point about the mom peer pressure. I wasn’t clued into that until beau’s mom called him one day in a fit of anxiety. Seems like she’d been talking to a friend who was filling her in on wedding and bridal shower traditions. Now she wanted to know if she had to coordinate the color of her dress with my mom’s, and whether she needed to bring lingerie to my bridal shower (which, um, NO). I felt bad that she’d been… I don’t know. Mind-warped, in a way.
Good luck with the rehearsal dinner.
My Mom’s the sort that if I told her we were all wearing blue, she would show up in red. I told this to my fiance’s mom and it seems that her mom (my grandma-to-be) did just that at her wedding. Am I marrying into the right family or what?
Your mom is having a little fantasy wedding with herself. If you can stand to attend, just go along with it, it will be over soon. Hopefully the favor bags are not too hideous. Good luck!
Hey! Just found your blog over on Bowie Bride (and I think you’re awesome). My mom, for the most part, has been fine. But she picks the LITTLEST mother effing things to worry about.
If you will, an example: the tables at our venue are arranged on either side of the dance floor. Our coordinator pointed out the three “best tables” when the parents typically sit. Cool! Well, those tables are like number 7, 8, and 9. My mom actually had an issue with this because she felt her table number should be 1. It was an actual DISCUSSION. “Well, can’t we start numbering with table 7 as table 1?” No Mom, that makes no sense in the layout of the venue. “Well, ok, maybe MY table can be called MyLastName and then your father’s can be called HisLastName, and then Josh’s parent’s can be called TheirLastName and THEN start the numbering at 1.” This was the actual solution she gave that I immediately shot down because it was ridiculous.
So I feel you on the almost-but-not-quite normal mom thing 🙂
Thanks! And oh my gosh, that is a nutty story. Why do they DO these types of things? *head shaking*