The beau and I ran into a number of acquaintances this past weekend at Oktoberfest and, as people do, they invariably asked what’s the haps with our wedding plans. At one point this girl and I found ourselves on the subject of budgets.
“We’ve been saving up for the past few months,” I mentioned offhandedly.
“Why? Aren’t your parents paying for your wedding?” she asked.
“Um. No,” I said, taken aback.
“What? They’re supposed to pay for it.”
I think I gaped a little. “Who says they have to pay for it?”
“Because they have to!” she exclaimed. “It’s what you do. The bride’s. Family. Pays. For. The wedding.” She broke the sentence into fragments for emphasis.
We went round and round like this for a while, her and I, to no avail. I’m sure this chick is still shaking her head in amazement that a bride’s own family could be so neglectful of etiquette. Me, I’m still not convinced my parents must shell out their cold hard cash in the interest of fulfilling some kind of social obligation. These are not the days of the dowry anymore.
Just as it’s not my parents’ responsibility to pay for my rent, it’s not my parents’ responsibility to pay for my wedding. Not to get all “kids these days” on you, but I was raised with the idea that if you want something, you work for it. I actually want to pay for my own wedding. Not least because, when it’s not your own money and sweat and effort, it’s not really your own. I’ve seen too many people choose to let their parents pay for their weddings because it would enable them to have more, to do more. Yet before the ink on the first check could dry, mom and dad were already voicing strong opinions on what should be served at dinner and padding the guest list with their friends. Words were shouted, tears were shed. It wasn’t their wedding anymore, it was a party put on by their parents.
The beau and I went into wedding planning with the idea that we’d be footing the bill for the entire thing. Shortly after we got engaged, our folks called us up (separately, and coincidentally, within a day or two of each other) and offered to contribute a lump sum of money to our budget as their wedding gifts to us. We were floored. What’s more, both set of parents left how the money is spent wholly up to our discretion. “It’s your wedding, it’s your decision,” my mom said to me, repeatedly.
I honestly can’t think of a better way this could have panned out. We’re still coming up with the bulk of the funding, but our parents’ kind gifts give us the ability to kick some things up a notch. We get to plan the wedding we want, and our parents get to enjoy, say, marinated coconut chicken satay appetizers instead of the veggie and dip plate. Everybody is happy.
Violently knocking on wood. It’s still early in the process, of course.
