The other day I came home to find an Amazon box lurking on my front porch, despite the fact that I hadn’t ordered anything from Amazon recently. Surprise, it was a gift from my dear friend and brigadier of honor, who saw fit to send me a very different type of advice and etiquette book than the other one I’d received recently.
Somebody is Going to Die if Lilly Beth Doesn’t Catch That Bouquet: The Official Southern Ladies’ Guide to Hosting the Perfect Wedding has sass to spare. Consider this excerpt on the topic of bridal appearance:
“Speaking of Miss Lottie May’s aforementioned petite size 2, one thing never changes: the bride’s determination to have a nineteen-inch waist on her special day. When a bride-to-be steps onto a box to have her dress fitted, look out! Stand back with smelling salts and ice water: She is fixin’ to faint. You would too, if you hadn’t eaten in three days. For many brides, being pencil-thin is as important, if not more so, than being in love. The daunting prospect of a size 10 is cause to elope. The perfect look for the stylish Delta lady, by the way, bridal or otherwise, also features a tan, attainable inside the sorority houses of Ole Miss, where sunlamps are more popular than actually venturing out of doors (where you might be attacked by vicious mosquitoes). If you can become wraithlike by subsisting for weeks on end on nothing but Diet Co-Colas, and look as if somebody has poured a can of shellac on you, don’t change a thing. You have attained perfection.”
My lovely pal added a note to the box: “consider this an early birthday present — a hopefully amusing antidote to the “helpful” advice in your other book. also: i still recommend blush and bashful.”
Well said, buddy. Well said. I think Shelby would agree.
That sanctuary looks like it's been hosed down with Pepto-Bismol
