Listen. I understand that traditionally, the maid of honor hosts the bridal shower. But all of my brigadiers are broke. They are wrestling with student loans, cuts in pay at work, working extra jobs, car troubles, going back to school. They got 99 problems and a bridal shower sure as fuck ain’t one.

So I’m putting this party on. A joint effort between me and my mom. Makes good clean sense, right?

But then today I wandered onto some site named “A to Z of Manners and Etiquette” which, I know, already sounds like a real winner. And right there, under the section about who should host the shower, it said (emphasis theirs):

A bridal shower rule that has not changed is that the bride never hosts her own bridal shower.

OH DAYYYYYAMN SON, I AM BREAKING RANK!!! Imagine how pissed my shower guests will be when they find out that my maid of honor did not have to resort to streetwalking in order to scrape together enough cash to pay for the party on my behalf! They will probably hurl their wine glasses to the ground and stalk off in a huff. Stupid bride-hosted wine-tasting trip.

But then I got back to the serious business of cruising the internets — the big, crazy, wacky world of internets — trying to see what I could learn about bridal showers. And inevitably, I ended up on The Knot.

As usual, The Knot is a great place to go of you want to make things 800 times more complicated than they actually are. I mean, take a look at this bridal shower planning checklist — intended, of course, for the bride’s maid of honor. Notice that there is no booze in the martini glass in the accompanying photo. What do you suppose happened to that booze, hmm? That’s right, the poor maid of honor guzzled it down the second she read that the bridal shower is supposed to be her “pre-wedding piece-de-resistance.” And that’s barely one sentence into the proceedings.

But you know what really threw me for a loop in this checklist? The last bullet point under “2 months ahead,” which is “Make a detailed to-do list and assign tasks.” Um. I already thought that this checklist was the list of things to do. No? Are they telling me I am supposed to start making lists of lists? Inside of other lists? That’s nice. And now the world is folding over into itself and my head is starting to hurt and oh hey look, a bottle of wine.

Ahhh.

It’s all right. It’s OK. I don’t need what the internets have to offer me anyway. Because I’ve got skills of my own. I’ll make a list that does not involve ordering linens or renting coffee urns. I’ll put together a party that does not involve streetwalking for funds. I am going to take this traditional shower concept and turn it into an excuse to get some of my favorite people — people I rarely get to see — together for a relaxing afternoon in the sun, enjoying food and tasting wine. Simple pleasures.

That can’t be too hard, can it?