A few months ago an ex-boyfriend contacted me on Facebook.*
Yeah. Ex-boyfriend.
I did things bass-ackwards when I was younger, just so you know. I spent 85% of college shackled in a long-term relationship, and my mid-twenties doing all the partying I was “supposed to” do in school.
“Supposed to” is relative, yes.
I was engaged to this guy, at one time. For all of two days. My 19-year-old self couldn’t handle the seriousness of it all, though. I turned the ring back in. Yet we continued to date, for years. I thought I was mature, but I was so. Naive.
We learn these things with age.
You know what? It wasn’t creepy, per se, his contacting me. It wasn’t a grand overture. It wasn’t a come-on. It was more like: Hey, I used to know you, and look how far I’ve come. I found out he was married, with a kid, which was everything he ever wanted out of life during the time I knew him. But still… you ever get that feeling like you got something slimy on you, and you want to shake it off? That’s how I felt when I found that out.
That could have been me. I came really really close to this guy being that noose around my neck.
But I didn’t. I moved on. I found myself, I found my confidence. I found the worst parts of myself, and I found the best parts. And somehow, in the middle of all that, I found the beau.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t sit back and think: Wow.
Just wow.
Sorry for the introspection, guys. It happens sometimes.
Did you ever pull a U-turn in life?
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* FYI. It’s probably best to read this post while listening to Iron & Wine.** And no, I’m not drunk. OK. So maybe I like whiskey. And vodka. That doesn’t make me drunk right now, though. OMG. I’m an irresponsible blogger. Also: I like peanut butter.
** Specifically: “Upward Over the Mountain.” Or Outkast’s “Slump.” Either one works, really.
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Yes to everything in this post.
I actually went through a similar experience a few weeks ago. I was talking to one of my best friends who had recently been back to our hometown. She told me all about the poor girl who is now dating my ex, whom I was with for a lot of high school and most of college. He’s playing the same crappy games with her that he played with me and my heart just went out to her. That was me. And I got out. And she’s still stuck there. That poor, poor girl.
So yes, I completely and utterly understand the slimy feeling and I applaud you for being one of the ones that shook themselves out of that relationship and DIDN’T end up with that noose around your neck. Bravo.
With facebook, I feel like this crap is near universal now, no? I burst into tears about a year ago when I found out (via facebook) my most serious ex was married. I don’t even like the man, at ALL. And I was (and am) head over heels for J at the time it happened. It’s just weird to think about the ways our lives might have gone, and despite all our current happinesses. I think it was also a bit of mourning/old pain for my previous naivete (and perhaps for the poor sucker who’s now shackled to him?) I still have occasional daydreams about running into him as the woman I am today, hoping to get that last “eff you, I really did make it” word in to our painfully unfinished conversation.
I think the slimy feeling has less to do with the ex and our present tenses and more to do with the weird dredging up of long-forgotten emotions. Especially when they leave us feeling slimy and when we’re so much happier with the present. It’s a hard look back at our past and all the near misses with the roads (thankfully) not taken.
Oh, me too. My ex-fiance (I called it off) immediately hooked up with one of my oldest friends, and though she and I are ahem, no longer close, I still get occasional updates on what he’s up to. It always feels odd.
I am so, so happy that relationship ended – I am marrying the man I want to spend the rest of my life with in 3 weeks. I know I couldn’t have got to here without going through that first, but even still I shake my head at my near miss. At how I almost did the wrong thing through inertia. And so on.
I know walk around giggling about how I won at life on a regular basis though, so, yay.
Me too! Me too! I spent most of college and a few years after with one guy. The one who hated my books and hated that I had a better job than him and hated that I didn’t want to be barefoot and pregnant at the age of 23. The nerve of me! I almost married that guy too. Instead I got a clue (thank goodness).
Sometimes I have this nightmare that I show up to my wedding and HE is standing there, at the end of the aisle. And this raw dread comes clawing up out of my stomach. Panicked, I search for the boy but no one knows who he is or what I’m talking about. It really sucks. I heard through the grapevine (aka Facebook) via another friend that the ex is expecting his first baby. SO GLAD it’s not me.
Reading all these stories kinda freak me out sometimes – cause I am marrying my freaken high school sweetheart! seriously. Of course he is not of the jerky-noose-wanting-to-tie-me-down variety – he’s of the caring, hilarious, all-that-I-could-ask-for variety who just came into my life too damn early! I’ve waited nearly 11 years to make sure but yep, he is pretty damn amazing, so what can I do but marry him? But I still hate saying it out loud cause I’m not supposed to be one of THOSE people…
Anyways, good for you guys for getting away from relationships that were just not right. I know the inertia to just keep going would be strong.
Nina — That’s why you stayed with him, because he is awesome! The fact that he’s stayed amazing all this time just helps prove it.
kc — God, that sounds exactly like my situation, except for the “better job” part. And oh no, I have similar dreams too. Why, brain? Why?
Morgan — Whoa, congrats on being only three weeks out! That’s awesome. And I think you nailed it by calling it “intertia.” In fact, I KNOW I was inert in that relationship for about 4.5 years too long. Bah. BAH! *shuddering*
Becca — I’ve learned to fear the Facebook, in a way. I never anticipated that these people would come flitting back into my life, and it’s WEIRD. Part of it is looking your old self squarely in the eyes and owning up to the fact that yeah, you made some mistakes. Some big ones. A lot of times I’d rather just shove that knowledge under the carpet and never confront it ever again. But here we are. Better and happier.
Jess — It’s so good to escape.
on facebook, i found out that my ex-almost-fiance (he gave me a promise ring because he sensed that i was about to leave him) lost his baby brother in a car crash. i spent all four years of college with this guy, and knew his brother very well too. needless to say, i was bummed for a while.
he un-friended me because we had such a breakup, but those who were around us the time, THEY scare me.