Very occasionally I find myself regressing to middle school.* Like this afternoon, when I found myself writing my name in different handwriting styles over and over again in the margins of my note pad.**
Then — of course — I tried my first and middle names with the beau’s last name instead.*** It went pretty well up until I got to the part with his actual last name, then everything went sideways. My hand faltered when faced with a new challenge. My smooth loops were transformed into hesitant, jerky angles. It was like a new personality took over midway through the scrawl.
And that’s sort of how I feel about changing my last name after marriage. Like I’d be changing my identity. My last name isn’t fantastically cool or anything. In fact, it’s kinda weird-looking and easy to mispronounce. But by the time I get married, it will have been with me for nearly 30 years. It’s unique; the product of a botched spelling at Ellis Island. It’s obscure. It’s my family history. I don’t want to give it up.
I wouldn’t be literally giving up my family history, of course. But I’m also not trading my family for his, which is what assuming his last name feels like for me. No. We’re coming together to make our own family, dig?
It all depends on how you interpret the matter, of course. A woman can be enthusiastic about assuming her partner’s last name because, for her, it symbolizes the joining of their lives. Or maybe she’s just always hated her own last name. Or maybe she doesn’t really care either way, and so she yields to custom. We all have our own personal reasons for choosing what we choose. I respect that individual choice.
Maybe this is showing my petty side, but I resent the fact that I’m expected by society to change for my partner, and he’s not expected to change for me. In fact, if he were to take my last name, he would be mocked by others. Viewed as wishy-washy. Less than a man. Not to mention that some states make it hard as hell for a man to change his name. The very nature of relationships have changed since our grandparents’ generation, but tradition is still stacked against us.
Still.
The beau’s not changing his name. He doesn’t want to, and I can’t blame him: I don’t want to either. But he also doesn’t mind if I keep my name. So it’s entirely up to me to make the decision. I’ve weighed the options over and over again. Hyphenation. Maintaining a professional name and a domestic name. Keeping my last name as a middle name.
Truth: It would be much easier for me to just keep my name forever if it weren’t for the possibility that I’ll get knocked up one day in the future.**** Whose name(s) would our theoretical progeny get? Would it be horribly complicated for me to have a different last name than my children do? How could we easily prove that we all belong to each other?
I don’t know. I don’t feel comfortable with any alternative I’ve come up with thus far. So, I’m holding off on making a decision indefinitely. I’m hoping that one day I’ll wake up and rainbows and unicorns will appear over my head and I will suddenly just know.***** And feel okay with it, too.
In the meantime, I am just going to have to settle for these rainbows and unicorns I drew on my note pad.
Are you stuck on whether to change your last name? Was your choice an easy one for you?
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* See lace-trimmed leggings, purchase of.
** I do very, very important things at work. Big things. You don’t even know.
*** The only thing that would have made this more middle-schoolish is if I had been writing this on binder paper inside a Trapper Keeper.
**** The far, far, far-off future. Did I mention how far off it is? So far.
***** Because that’s how things are usually resolved in real life.
It is so tough. I don’t know what I’m going to do either.
I think I’ll probably end up waiting until we are married and deciding what to do then. In all honesty, I’m hoping I’ll just be SO PROUD to be his wife that I’ll want to change my name.
I don’t like his surname, but I have been know to be a bit of a sap.
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know.
i’m hyphening my last name cause my last name is really my only link to my heritage. i’m not seperating my home name from my work name because that’ll just throw me off, and i won’t feel AS married, if you know what i mean.
boy gave up his original name when he switched his citizenship because to assume Japanese citizenship, you HAVE to have a japanese name. and i hate that. so i offered to change my last name to his IF he changed back to his original name; i figured, if he’s going to marry me, he’s going to have to switch to US citizenship eventually… but he declined.
so he’s going to have a wife with an uber long last name instead.
our kids, however, will take on his last name for unity’s sake.
I’m in the same boat as you. At the moment I’m leaning sort of towards just keeping my name, as I use it professionally as my business name and the thought of having to change everything makes the lazy side of me freak out. I don’t have any issues with our kids taking his last name and mine as a second middle name though, so I don’t think anyone will complain about me keeping it too much… Then again, I’m worried about it feeling less connected as a family. It’s hard!
I’m in the exact same situation that you are. I really don’t want to give up my name, but the only thing that concerns me is what will happen if/when we have kids. That’s the only thing stopping me from being 100% sure that I want to keep my own name. Like you, no alternative seems to work. Hyphenation would be much too long and awkward for my name.
And you’re definitely right, the idea of the man changing his name usually isn’t an option. When we first started discussing it, I asked him about the possibility of changing his name and he laughed it off. Which sucked. He later realized that was a rude thing to do, and apologized (thank God) but it does show how society has made it seem normal that a woman would give up her identity while any man would be crazy to do it. Grr. Hardest decision ever.
Ditto ditto ditto. I do think it is a sign of the times that the fiance is 100% cool with me keeping my name, but when I stated that at least some of our future children would share my name as well, he pitched a bloody fit. Bloody fit, without one good reason to back it up. “Because that’s just what you DO” is not good enough for me. “It won’t all be the SAME” doesn’t work either, because my name will be different.
I’m holding out for the coin toss for the kids.
I’m keeping, and never gave much thought to doing anything else, so I guess it was easy for me. I really would just feel too weird changing it — I identify pretty strongly with my name, and just don’t want to give it up and take on a new one at this point. (also, i am LAZY!)
And it feels natural to me to keep it because that’s what my mom (no raging feminist, and was a stay-at-home-mom most of my childhood) did. As for the kids thing, we never had an issue with people not believing I belonged to her. Seriously, none at all. In part, possibly, because her last name is my middle name (so i’m Firstname Herlastname Hislastname). That always worked just fine for us, and I liked being linked to both my mom’s family and my dad’s.
We’re leaning towards doing the same with our possible future kids, but the tricky thing will be deciding whether to give the kids my mom’s last name (my middle name) or my dad’s last name (my last name) as a middle name. On the one hand, I still identify more strongly with my last name, but frankly, it’s clumsier and a weirder middle name, and I kinda dig the idea of continuing a maternal-line middle name + paternal-line last name pattern.
None of this is perfect (as you mentioned in your post, there’s still the weird gendered stuff that prevents the man changing his name or not passing it on to the kids from being an option for all but the most rockstar independent guys), but it’s what feels comfortable for us now.
Good luck figuring out what works for you.
I really like how A Team’s family does last names. 🙂
I kept my last name because in Québec you can’t take your husband’s name; it’s been the law since the 80s, I think. But I have been wondering about future kids’ names. My dad, surprisingly considering he is very conservative, put in a vote to have one of the future hypothetical kids to have my family’s last name.
But I am very glad I kept my last name. 🙂 I feel like me, and I still feel married even though we don’t share the same last name.
I went into this, too; it’s such a loaded topic. http://thediscursivedaily.blogspot.com/2010/01/sweet-distraction.html
When I get really, really, drunk I think the idea of taking his name is a bit quaint. His last name is a great Italian name. It rolls off the tongue. Sounds great with my first name.
One day D and I were hanging out and his brother was there. For whatever reason, during conversation his brother said “Well you’re becoming an X (<- last name) ." Just like that, I will no longer be Gretchen S, I will be Gretchen X. It was a totally benign conversation. And I almost had a panic attack. I am "becoming" an X? Suddenly, marriage sounded more like the witness protection program (Bye mom.) and less like something I wanted to do for the 1,234,923 reasons I have meticulously hashed out over the past 4.5 years of our relationship.
Marriage: Such a good idea! Loaded bullshit symbolism of traditions that don't speak to me: Not so much!
As far as kids, allow me to continue with my indignant diatribe: If I carry a child in my womb for nine months and deal with the constant pissing, nausea, indigestion, wacko body temperature, cravings, feeling invaded by an alien being, etc. and then PUSH IT OUT of my body in the most painful natural process mother nature ever conjured up, only to leave my body stretched out and me in a diaper to bleed for a month straight…the kid isn't going to just get his last name. His 5-15 minute, and extremely pleasurable, contribution to that mega event is not comparable.
Lyn: based on reading your blog, you are an extremely contemplative person and I know you'll work this out in a way that doesn't compromise who you are. But I can also tell that, like me, external pressures def can pick away at you. So whatever you decide, godspeed and if you need to post about this 500 more times I will gladly read…b/c even though I want to keep my name I feel this kind of guilt or sense that I'm doing something bad. So I'm all a mess. Good luck!
Talking about the last name thing makes me sound like an angry, angry person.
man, before you got engaged and introduced me to the world of wedding blogs, i didn’t even realize this was an issue. again, i’m sans partner, so it’s not like i’ve ever had a reason to think deeply on the topic, but it’s always been one of those things where i just assume i wouldn’t change my name. i like my name; complicated family drama aside, it connects me to a traceable family history and makes me feel like i’ve come from somewhere. and after 30 years of mispronunciations, i’ve *earned* my name. it’s my professional persona as well as personal, the name that’s on my byline and my LOC entry. my name is who i am.
and yeah, the feminist in me has no problem telling society to screw itself vis-a-vis patriarchal expectations of name-changing.
that said, your concerns are totally valid, especially if you decide to keep your name. i know people who have done it and given the children the man’s name, and people who have done it and given the kids the woman’s name. i don’t pretend to know all the details of their lives, but it’s always seemed to me that they don’t have very many problems with the kids only sharing a name with one parent. in fact, one of those women shares her last name with only one of her parents, and split her childhood between her father in the bay area and her mother in canada, and in all the stories she’s told about that, she’s never mentioned an inordinate amount of drama over traveling with a child across the border when the names don’t match.
all of which is to say that whatever you decide, it’s not going to be exactly ideal. there will be compromises, there will be challenges. but, ultimately, just go with what feels right and makes you the happiest.
also: lace-trimmed leggings? lynner, say it ain’t so! bad 6th grade flashback starting in 3…2…1…
I’m planning to take his name, mostly because I am already on my second last name (changed it when my mom remarried and we moved to canada) so I don’t identify with my current last name that much. It’s also an incredibly boring name, whereas at least the fiance’s name has a bit more personality. And honestly I really like the idea of a family name. I especially don’t want to have a different last name than my kids (for reasons wonderfully described by Gretchen). My only real remaining concern is that the few papers I have actually published are obviously in my current last name – I know I’m still early enough in my career that it shouldn’t matter and it’s not really worth it to maintain both names in parallel forever but I am proud of that work and it makes me a bit sad to think it won’t really be linked to me as obviously.
And honestly, even losing my boring last name makes me a bit sad, so I can only imagine how hard it is to give up a wonderful unique defining name that you’ve had forever. I like A’s idea of a maternal-line middle name + paternal-line last name pattern.
I’m so glad you posted this…I am a hot mess about it. Changing my name to his doesn’t feel right, and my man has a huge problem with hyphenation…he thinks it sounds pretentious and he says that everyone he’s ever known who’s had a wife with a hyphenated name that it’s been an awful controlling terrible relationship. Which to me aren’t valid excuses. I am thinking very hard right now about changing my middle name to my current last name and then taking his last name as my last name, but his mom has been shoving that option down my throat since day 1 and I’m being contrary and not wanting to do what she did…ugh. Just a sucky process overall I think.
I’m really enjoying this discussion. It is such a difficult decision and it seems like all the available options are frustratingly inadequate.
I’m also relieved to see I’m not the only person who takes minor personal preferences into consideration here on top of all the important philosophical debate about family and patriarchy and tradition. For example, I’ve thought, “but if I change my name, I’ll have to get a new Gmail account!” But also, “If I change my name, I’ll be less Google-proof!” (my name is a common misspelling of a minor celebrity’s). I suspect I won’t come to a firm decision on this subject until the wedding draws very near.
Oh man, you said it perfectly. I haven’t decided, I’m sort of ambivalent, but I love my name. He keeps asking me if I’m taking his name, and I just don’t have an answer. I’ve been keeping him hanging for months now. I’m definitely feeling the pressure of tradition to take his name as my own — as in, many people have just assumed as much. My convictions aren’t strong enough to dissuade them, yet I remain unconvinced myself. I’ve been meaning to write about this on my blog… maybe I finally will. Thanks for posting!
“who’s had a wife with a hyphenated name that it’s been an awful controlling terrible relationship” – stacy marie
Sez *who*?
Maybe it’s an accurate description. Or maybe women who attempt to maintain their own identity and don’t like the assumption that women should render their names unimportant get this bad rap?
This is similar to how brides get labeled as power-hungry, people-stomping bridezillas because they (random ass example) hate chocolate cake and want vanilla at the wedding and the groom doesn’t care b/c he loves all cake. If some family member somehow deems vanilla cake “inappropriate” and attempts to steam roll the bride into having chocolate, and the bride is all “uhh hold up, I’m a golden-cake-chocolate-frosting kinda kedd…” she is suddenly a ‘zilla. ROARRR, BITCHES I WANT YELLOW CAKE. (actually, WE are having PIE!)
Maybe that wife isn’t a controlling biotch. Maybe she just, nicely and articulately, doesn’t allow people to push her around all the time. “Aw your wife ‘won’t let’ you come play golf for a third Saturday in a row b/c she wants to have a family day?! SHE SUCKS! Your first mistake was not putting your foot down when she wanted to hyphenate.”
There are always two sides. Just a little food for thought 😉
Gretchen, I totally, 100% agree with you, and I thought quite frankly that its a pretty poor reason to not hyphenate. The whole root of the problem is, I think that he really would like me to change my name but he doesn’t want to come right out and ask me to do it, he wants me to want to do it, you know? It’s an issue we tip toe around and around, and with the wedding 4 months away, we (I, it is my name after all) really need to figure it out. It’s been way, way more stressful than I thought it would be to say the least!
I’ve agreed to the following:
My professional name: Myfirst Mymiddleinitial. Mylast
Legal/otherwise name: Myfirst Mymiddle Mylast Hislast
His name: Hisfirst Hismiddle Mylast Histlast
So, we’ll both have Mylast as a second middle name and have Hislast as a last name. Kids will have the same.
This was a compromise for me, and I felt that I should do it since it was more important to him and our kids will be raised in my religion (compromise for him). At the same time, I’m still struggling with the idea of having a different last name. My mother didn’t change her name when she got married, so I always assumed I would have my last name forever. I hope I don’t regret changing it!
This is a hot button topic for me too. I would be happy to hyphenate my name, only my last name which I love and adore and is so ME is a noun that when put in front of another last name sounds weird. Real weird. So it’s either take it or leave it and R really, really wants me to take his. It means a lot to him and I know he’s a tad on the old fashioned side, so I kind of get it. Only, my name doesn’t sound like “me” anymore when I put it with his and it makes everything all sorts of weird. Anyway. I’m sort of hoping for some kind of epiphany like you are, so if you get one let me know and maybe your epiphany-ness will rub off on me. Or something.
Yes Yes! I want to take my fella’s name – I’m not particularly attached to my last name, and he moved to the other side of the world for me so.. BUT it makes me an Mel M***, and (i feel so superficial) my new name sounds a bit funny. As in, people have realised what my new name will be and giggled. And it’s making me hesitant. I’m actually going your way with it and just hoping that it’ll all sort itself out..deluded much? 🙂
Wow, thanks for all your insight, guys.
@A Team — I’ll chime in and say that I like the way your family does surnames, too. I’m going to have to ruminate more on that one.
@India — I love the coin toss idea.
@Adventures Along The Way — I’ve heard of that law in Quebec. Sometimes I wish there was something similar in effect here; I feel like it would be easier because it would take the burden of decision off of me. Still doesn’t solve the issue of the kids, though. Nothing is ever easy.
@Gretchen — You are making me want to have a kid SO BAD. 🙂 But I hear you.
@hitchdied — Oh lordy you said it. The idea of changing all my account names makes me dizzy. The irrelevant stuff matters.
@Kathleen & Stacy Marie — Good luck with the external pressures to make a certain decision. I’d love to hear more about what happens.
@Rachel — I floated the idea of my dude taking my last name as a second middle name, like yours is. The thing I like about that is that it IS a compromise — I don’t have to be the only one changing my name. I agree it doesn’t make the struggle any easier.
@Jess — lol at “epiphany.” I’m hoping for it. Any day now, right?
@Mel — Eh, it’s not so much superficial if it sounds funny. It’s a valid worry. Good luck sorting it out, lady.
I’ve always known I would never change my name. And just to speak to the “but what if your mom has a different last name from the kids? whaa whaa are we a family?” issue – my mom had a different last name and we always felt like a family. I never had any question who my mom was.
And I resent it too. It makes me furious that I’m supposed to drop this link to my family and my entire damn life, not to mention deal with all the administrative, government, and personal paperwork hassles (I am way to disorganized to manage that mess well) and he gets to sit back and just be married? Fuck that. I hate that.
Though, as to the kids thing, I’d really like to give them my last name as their middle name. It will feel emotionally different than them having no name whatsoever. But I’m trying not to get hung up on the name part for them since it matters more to him as The Only Family Son- it’s just a label after all – but I hate the feeling of being less than him in this naming equation convention.
omigoodness, the wedding is rapidly approaching and haven’t figured out my game-plan….
No one in my family or his HASN’T changed their name. I’d be fine screwing tradition, but not sure about the (imaginary potential) young’uns. Hyphenating seems a bit second-wave to me, but is the best we have come up with (and the mr may decide to hyphenate with me).
No good solution. Sucks on principle that the burden of a decision falls on women. (And that even considering the option of a decision is emasculating for men).
I’m struggling with this right now. Well, I’m not so much struggling with the decision as others are struggling to accept it.
I am NOT changing my name. It’s sexist and wrong for me to be expected to change my name simply because of tradition. I asked him if he would change his, he was really shocked and said no. So why should I?! Simply because “that’s what’s done?” nope.
I would agree to hyphenation if he will agree to it. But he won’t.
Our kids? I’m pulling for hyphenation for them. I think both parents should be represented in their children’s names. Therefore, ours should be hyphenated.
Yes, I could easily solve that by taking his name, but that is not going to happen because of how sexist and patriarchal that tradition is.
His family seems to be having the most problems with it. His dad especially. Which I understand, but no one considers me here. Everyone is “well, what about how J will feel?” “Well, what about the children… don’t kids need to have just one name?” “What will blah blah blah feel?” “I’d never do that to a man.”
I DON’T CARE! What about me!?
Harsh I know. It’s how I feel, though.
Thanks for letting me vent. I can’t really vent on my blog b/c J’s family knows about it.