The voice. It comes every day, all day.
You should go on a diet, it informs me. You should go on a diet before the wedding.
Whatever. I’m fine the way I am.
No, you’re not, it insists. This voice is a total jerk. You’ve been wanting to take off five or ten pounds for a couple of years now. And you know you want to look good for the wedding. So you pretty much have to start dieting, like, right now.
No! Stop tying this into wedding guilt. I don’t want to go on a diet! I hate you.
Don’t hate the playa, hate the game, says another voice.
Who the hell are you?
I’m that part of your brain that ties everything anyone says into rap and hip-hop references! I’m the reason why, whenever someone says the word “word,” you are required by federal law to chime in with “…to your moms, I came to drop bombs, I got more rhymes than the bible’s got psalms.”
Oh. You can stay, then. But Diet Obsession over there has got to go.
“I LIKE POPSICLES!” another voice shrieks.
********
As a kid, I was pretty blissfully ignorant about my looks. Then, when I was 14, my grandmother got me a subscription to YM magazine. Do you remember YM? As far as I can tell, its sole purpose on this earth was to provide hair tips* and quizzes about which type of boy you liked, all while absolutely destroying the last remaining shred of your self-esteem. I remember this one article in particular casually mentioned that a “normal” girl should weigh 120 pounds. I realized I didn’t know my weight, so I went into my parents’ bathroom and stepped on the scale.
The scale read 157.
You know the rest of this story cold. I have since spent half my life obsessing over my body. The long and winding road back to relative stability has involved numerous unhealthy attitudes, a close brush with an eating disorder, questionable diet choices, and more guilt than the Vatican could produce in 100 years.
I am now in the best shape I’ve ever been, both mentally and physically. My confidence is at a new peak. I exercise willingly every day. In fact, I make it a priority, because it makes me feel better. I focus on eating organic and hormone-free veggies, fruits, and proteins while limiting processed foods, but I don’t deny myself anything — if I have a hankering for macaroni and cheese, I make a goddamn box of macaroni and cheese. I don’t even weigh myself anymore, because I know a scale will send me ricocheting back into negativity. I have learned so much. I am truly living well.
But I’m still not totally happy.
The upcoming wedding “deadline” has galvanized me. I’m not satisfied with how I look right now, but I’m tired of all those years of pushing myself to trim down. At this point of my life, the very word “diet” makes me feel like stabbing someone. My discomfort with the whole “it’s for the wedding!” subtext aside, I want to look good on my wedding day. But even more importantly, I want to feel good. I want to feel good about myself not just on my wedding day, but every day. Right now I’m not sure how to do that. And I’m self-assured enough now to know that I have the capacity to love myself the way I am, but the self-doubt keeps gnawing at the back of my mind.
So I tell myself, look. Either woman up and dedicate yourself to your weight loss goal, or just quit worrying about it and find peace with yourself the way you are. But dude. If it was that easy to just be happy with myself, I would have done that at 14. Even though I’d love to, I can’t simply erase those thoughts. So instead, the matter just keeps hanging over my head, like Bruno over Eminem at the MTV Music Awards.**
And that damn voice just keeps nagging on.
Have you felt pressure, either from yourself or others, to lose weight in time for the wedding? What did you ultimately do? And most importantly, what do the voices in your head say to you?***
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* These hair tips did me absolutely no good. The only “style” I knew how to do in those days was brush my bangs over and sweep them up high, then shellac them in place with half a bottle of Rave hairspray until my hair was this frozen crest riding above my forehead. Hawt.
** Yeeeouch. That was a bad one. Sorry, guys.
*** I am assuming that you, too, have voices. Right? RIGHT???
I literally said, “Oh my God, YM!” and then I said, “ooooohhhhh, Rave hairspray!”
Haven’t thought about those babies for a long time.
I don’t really have anything insightful to say here except fuck the scale. I haven’t really felt any pressure to lose weight for the wedding, although I was talking to my great-aunt yesterday, who made it a point to ask if I’ve gained weight recently. Nope, but thank you for asking!
The voices in my head are usually myself having imaginary conversations with people. They could be fights, or in-depth discussions. Sometimes they’re myself being on a talk show. Sometimes I speak out loud.
I’ve said too much.
Hmmm… I wrote a post similar to this, except it was angrier and more cynical. Since then, I haven’t posted or talked about weight at all. Now, do I talk about it with myself? Hell yea, all the time. My voices also conflict. One tells me I need to “hardcore diet” and give up the wine and cheese (ahem, and Almond Joys) and the other says, “Ef that noize, Ange. You’re great the way you are. Be happy, but don’t go getting yourself a tummy ache.”
The way I see it is, I want to look and feel like me on my wedding day. Chubs and all. If that’s 5-10 lbs. lighter, sweet. If I stay 177 lbs., great. Either way, I’m gonna look banging hot and be happy as hell. And so will you!
Well, my seamstress took my (originally 2 sizes too large) dress and made it a wee bit snug. She assures me that she did so because “all brides lose a little weight before the wedding”, except I wasn’t really planning on losing any weight. Now, with 5 weeks to go, I don’t really have much choice but to fit the darn thing (or not eat on the day of). So yes, to feeling the pressure!
Also, when I was shopping for undergarments for my dress, I inevitably ended up with some sales person trying to sell me spanx or a corset or girdle. Of course, only after I had mentioned it was for my “wedding”. Every store, same thing, and I’m a size 2, so I honestly think it’s just what they assume brides want.
It sounds to me like you are doing everything right. What you want on your wedding day is a healthy glow, not a gaunt face.
oh my god, I had that EXACT same hairstyle with the frozen bangs for an embarrassingly long time. like wayyyy past being able to claim 14-year old ignorance.
But onto the issue at hand, I somehow lucked out in this department – not because I’ve ever been that skinny (I’ve always had a decent butt and thighs, even as a kid) but somehow I escaped that psychological attack on body image that seems to hit most girls around puberty. I escaped until my early twenties when I gained enough weight to notice and care, but I think by then my defenses had been built up and I wasn’t as susceptible to the attack. My only attempt at a true “diet” was a total failure (within two days I was a grumpy mess and gave up). Since then I’ve mostly been able to focus on just having a healthy lifestyle… but that voice, and the guilt it creates, it does follow me. And I wish I could shut it up. you really need that haagen-dahz vanilla latte ice cream with a ridiculous number of calories?? you have a wedding dress to fit into…
I want to tell you to just be happy with yourself – because of course you will look amazing and a few pounds will NOT matter – but if you don’t feel good then do what you need to do. Just don’t beat yourself up over it because the stress will get to you a lot more than the few pounds.
I have about 4 draft posts started about weight loss, dieting and the wedding. I can’t say I’m in the best shape of my life (far from it), but I’m not hopping on the diet badwagon just yet.
Yeah. This one has been percolating in my drafts folder, in various iterations, since November.
Bah.
So, I am on a diet. Not a ‘lose 5-10’ lbs jobby, but a big, lose 6-8 stones (84-112 lbs) affair.
But I’m not giving up cheese, cake, ice cream, or more importantly: BOOZE. Any diet that says you can’t do these things will make you miserable and WON’T work in the long term.
I’d been trying to lose weight on my own for a year but hadn’t managed it, so I joined an eminently sensible slimming club, one that says you can eat as much good stuff (meat, veg, fruit, pasta, rice, potatoes, eggs) as you like. My sort of diet! And I’ve lost 21 lbs so far. I feel relieved, not stressed out about it: it’s easy and I can stick to it and the problem is starting to be solved. It’s like a huge weight off my shoulders.
But it doesn’t sound like you have such a problem.
The wedding spurred me on, sure, but I was ready in myself to do it. I’m sick as hell of being overweight. Though whatever weight I’ve been, I’ve always felt happy in my skin most of the time.
But from the sounds of things, you’re not in the same boat by a long stretch. While the voice in your head might be saying a diet is the answer, I’m not sure that it is.
You mention that you’re healthy and eating well and you sound like you’re exercising a lot. That voice in your head wondering about your weight will always be there – it comes with the job of being a woman. But I think you answer your own question:
“I want to feel good. I want to feel good about myself not just on my wedding day, but every day. Right now Iām not sure how to do that. And Iām self-assured enough now to know that I have the capacity to love myself the way I am, but the self-doubt keeps gnawing at the back of my mind.”
You can lose weight if you want, but you need to fix this first xx
Claire, you are completely right. I’ve come a long ways towards accepting myself, but this is an unhealthy stone I keep tripping over on my path to liking myself. I’m beginning to think I should focus on the mental alone, here.
This was a really great post, because this stuff can be so hard to talk about. It’s hard to own up to body insecurities even when their not-our-fault origins are clear (although in the end, I think I net gratitude to my Seventeen subscription for teaching me how to put on eyeliner).
So far, the way my wedding has affected my body issues is I get anxious about being trapped at whatever size I am at the dress fitting. I lost about thirty pounds a few years ago without really trying, it was life-crisis weight loss that somehow stuck. I still think of my old size as “real” and my skinniness as temporary. But what if my body finally wakes up and smells the deep fried oreos between buying a stupidly expensive dress and the wedding? Then I’ll have to diet, and dieting is the pits! So I might as well try to gain some weight before I buy a dress, right? Oh rats, that feels like dieting too! I don’t like it.
Oh, my god. Deep-fried oreos. That sounds horrible and wonderful all at the same time.
It’s strange how we get stuck in perceiving ourselves as one way or the other. I totally hear you on the real v. temporary tip. I STILL see myself as being several pounds heavier than I actually am, despite the fact that my last big weight drop occurred a handful of years ago.
My brain. Is weird.
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately too, mostly because I’m going dress shopping for the first time this weekend (which is simultaneously exciting and terrifying). A lot of our wedding planning seems to have been caught up in weight issues – finding something that will make each of my dieting bridesmaids happy, dealing with my tiny mother’s weight anxieties (she refuses to try anything on for herself this weekend because she’s too embarrassed by how she looks – which, I repeat, is tiny), and my fiance’s mother, who is 80 pounds down and has about 100 to go to reach her goal for the wedding. It’s all really exhausting, and I’ve been trying to take the “no weight loss” stance to counteract everyone else who seems to be on the diet train in preparation for the wedding, but those little voices are sneaky.
Of course you’re going to look absolutely beautiful for your wedding – when the voices aren’t taking over, I’m sure you know that. Those 5-10 pounds will be the last thing from your mind when you’re saying those vows and celebrating with your nearest and dearest, and they’ll be even further from your mind when, 25 years from now, you look back on that joyful day. I’m glad you talked about this, though – I think a lot of brides get caught somewhere in between the “obviously you’re dieting for the wedding” and the “oh my god, you’re dieting for the wedding?!?! you’ve fallen to the WIC!” mentalities. I think it’s an important thing to talk about, so thanks for the post!
Yes, I totally feel the wedding deadline looming as far as weight loss. And I’m in the same boat as you – been trying to exercise regularly for the last year, eat better, and all that so that I can FEEL better. But the wedding puts a weird twist on it because of that specific date and the idea that i’m going to be photographed more that day than any other. So I do want to look good. I want to look my best. That is totally vain and its totally ok.
We have a FUCKED UP culture (just had to caps that. cuz its not just fucked up. its FUCKED UP.) and we are doing the best we can within it. So give yourself a break for the voices in your head.
and the other voice is correct – don’t hate the playa, hate the game.
aka give yourself a break and say FUCK YOU FUCKED UP CULTURE! GAH!
(ok, i need to take a breather…this gets me all worked up…)
Oh, and I’ve posted this video a few times for other ladies, but Killing Us Softly is seriously one of the best things I’ve ever watched as far as making me feel better about myself and increasing my ability to fight the voices in my head that make me feel bad. Its 35 minutes but so worth it!
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1993368502337678412#
Just seeing and knowing where our low self esteem stems from has helped me fight it. I can better identify what things have made me feel this way and once I can recognize them and better analyze them, they lose their power over me.
So I’ve check out photos like this: http://loyalkng.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/kim-kardashian-photoshop-mistake.jpg Not to say haha, look at her cellulite! but to say, hey, me too! I’ve got it, shes got it. F the game.
(ok, really, I’m done now….)
I believe that a wedding diet is unnecessary. A healthy lifestyle IS!!!!! how many women have you seen that diet and exercise like crazy to look good for their wedding, then pig out the rest of their lives and “let themselves go”
you are on the right track, and don’t try to change your already healthy lifestyle!
btw, the voices in my head can be mean. they are always reminding me of all the dumb things i say š
My world kind of collapsed around the time of the wedding (see APW today) and I totally failed at losing any weight for the wedding, or toning up my arms, or whatever. I used to do fitness classes 5 days a week until my work cancelled them, and I kind of didn’t manage to pick anything else up afterwards. You know what? I could stand to lose some weight, and tone up, and get back in better shape. But it made not one damn bit of difference on the wedding day. I looked great. All brides, as long as they look happy, are gorgous. Do it for you, if you want to, but not for the wedding. It’s just a day and you’ll be glowing anyway.
Morgan, I just read the post at APW. And, damn if I didn’t cry. In light of what you went through, having some leftover negative body image issues clattering around in my brain seems SO TRITE. And without sounding hokey myself, isn’t it just enough that we are alive, and together, and happy in this moment?
Thanks for the wake-up call.
I understand completely. My wedding is 2 months away and i have just recently put myself on a diet. I swore I wouldn’t but I caved. We will see how it works out. I need to drop 10 pounds to make the dress fit (it fit when I bought 6 months ago. sigh.)
I firmly believe however that I want to look in my pictures the way I look in real life – the sustainable happy me. Not a gaunt version of myself which appears to be staring at everyone’s appetizers in the pictures rather than my husband. So, take a breath and ask yourself who you want to be in your pictures.
This is a really great post. It really gets to the root of the whole wedding diet BS that follows way too many of us around on a daily basis.
With me, I have gained weight in the last 5 years thanks to a job where I eat at my desk, come in too early to do anything beforehand, and work too late to do anything afterwards. Also, the junk food in our office kitchen never helps. And it’s always someone’s freaking birthday. What’s up with that? Either way, I always said that if we got engaged the wedding would motivate me to lose some weight and….it really hasn’t. I’m still working the same hours, still at the same desk, with the same crappy food and all the goddamn birthdays. And I feel bad about it, but at the same time, I’m trying to come to terms with my weight so that I won’t look self conscience and ashamed of myself in my photos on my wedding day. If you feel good about the way you look and feel then you’re going to look radiant and beautiful on the day no matter what.
And YM was the root of all evil, I’m convinced. My mom used to take it away from me because it told you not to pop your pimples and she thought it was gross to walk around with unpopped pimples on your face. TMI?
Yeah, I knew at the start of LAST year that I needed to lose about 5kg. Then I went and put on 6kg instead… Start of this year, when the scales nearly reached 90kg, I finally managed to do something about it. I’m now down 5kg (and stable in that loss, taken over 4 months), and feeling much more happy about how I look, and how I feel.
Because to do this, I took a decent reality check of what I was eating, and realised that i was NOT living a healthy lifestyle! Having almost completely cut out lollies (except when I really crave them) and coke (except when I’m sober driver for the evening and everyone else is on beer / wine) actually did most of the work for me!
Yes, the wedding was the final motivator I needed to actually get off my ass and do it now. But its not the only reason I am doing this – I want to be at my physical peak before we start trying for a family in two or three years time. I want healthy eating to be second nature so I’m not hypocritical when teaching it to my kids, they should learn from example!
That said, I’m still annoyed that weight has come off my hips, bum and thighs faster than my waist and bust (which are my two personal “areas of concern” for the wedding dress). And I am definitely working hard on my triceps, because being “large busted” they can also get quite large if not carefully maintained. But I still have time – 6 weeks before my first meeting with the dressmaker, and 5 months till my final fitting – and I’m relaxed about it all. I’ll be beautiful on the day anyway, I’m sure of it!
i have had that voice in my head since 4th grade. when i think back and realize I was nine years old concerned about my weight, it really makes me sad. Regardless, my whole life has been a struggle with weight (the only “success” was a combination of weight watchers and forbidden high love, meaning my ridiculous crush and ensuing faux romance with a boy who loved depeche mode and worked at hot topic). One of the smartest things I read about wedding diets when I first started planning was : you haven’t lost it yet so why now? Now I am trying to be relatively fit and eat pretty good but I am a emotional stress eater and things like my super thin gorgeous future sister in laws or a bad day at work make me want to eat a kfc double down. when i first told my mom i was going dress shopping she suggested i lose some lbs first. which is lovely.
basically, if I fit in my dress, I’m a happy girl. I’m just gonna buy one hell of a corset and have a blast.
Totally had YM, it’s like to gateway magazine. Leading you into the really intense self-esteem destroying magazines like teen people and seventeen.
I’ve totally struggled with the body issues. I’m 5’2″ and 145, a lot of which is muscle from dancing that just never seemed to go away. Like you I feel best about myself when I’m making good eating choices and exercising but I’ve learned not to beat myself up if I stray. I’ve come to embrace my womanly curves. Even though fashion doesn’t really cater toward quadriceps, my body did dance for 14 years (though I’m still a total klutz…), my arms kayaked 52 miles through british columbia wilderness and threw shotput and discus in highschool track.
Fiance loves my body, so that certainly helps. One of the first things one of my bridesmaids told me after I asked her to join me was “You better not be planning to lose any weight because you look amazing!” And I bought my dress in december, right after the holidays (FOOD & no exercise), 14 months before the wedding. Because I wanted to find something I feel beautiful in NOW.
I could write a novel here but I promise not to. I will say: I totally could’ve written this post myself and I love you a little for, “But dude. If it was that easy to just be happy with myself, I would have done that at 14.” I had my own weight issues from 14-21. Not fun.
I’d LIKE to lose the 30lbs I gained thanks to a back injury that had me on steroids & made it impossible to do anything physically for months. Not for the wedding, not for cuter clothes, but because I want to feel better about myself. I’m bad at passing up yummyness. Life’s too short: use the good china, eat the effin’ cupcake. And if I stop drinking – anyone who knows me will think I’m pregs.
I HAVE to lose 10lbs. My gown is a sample and I bought it before I gained the weight. I’m a 12-14 now… the dress is a 10. Yeah – sucks to be me.
My boss “outed” my pregnancies before I was ready to tell anyone when I stopped drinking wine. His (not quite sound, but ultimately correct) reasoning: there are only two reasons to stop drinking. Either you have a drinking problem or you’re pregnant, and he knew I wasn’t an alcoholic.
YES ! I too have voices that nag me incessantly to go on a diet ! š
I actually wrote a similar post a couple months ago (in french, sorry : http://www.mademoiselle-dentelle.fr/mariage/le-retour-du-come-back-du-regime-avant-mariage/).
I’ve been pretty much diet free for a couple years (after, like you, doing the yo-yo for a while and coming fairly close to becoming bulimic…). But then i had a baby 8 months ago and with 3 months left until the wedding and 10 pounds left to drop, the voices are acting up every single time i open my mouth to eat…
I hate those voices. And the problem is that those voices are a part of me… I think the biggest challenge is stopping the self-hate. The loving comes later, when you stop hating and bitching against yourself. At least that’s what happened last time. Will it work again, i don’t know..
That voice is a jerk! (For me that voice is also the voice of my mother from when I was a kid… she was my equivalent of YM!)
Our wedding is still a year away but it does have me wondering how much I’ll have to change to be a ‘bride’… So far I’ve started with getting braces (I wanted to get them for years so it’s a good thing) but rationale me wants to object to changing anything else. Other versions of me are like change everything!
yep, have been strugglign with health stuff for a while. probably like you- since YM was introduced in my life. i’ve always been skinny- and no curves. at all. i think puberty missed me.
at the same time- when I gained a few pounds I panicked. everyone North American woman (mostly) has those voices- and you’re right it’s our culture and society.
I booked my apt for my wedding dress alterations… and he almost refused to make it too far in advance. cuz my weight would fluctuate… right. i have been the same size (mostly) for six years. i hate the bridal assumptions.
sounds like you have the perfect attitude. also- i say eff the scale. best thing i EVER did was throw that bugger out.