Look, I’m fully aware that I’m not all that and a bag of chips — I know that people won’t stare at me, slack-jawed, all wedding day long. Amazingly, our guests have other interests. They lead full lives. They will be chatting with others, they will be raiding the dessert bar, they will be checking their cell phones,* they will be scanning the crowd for potential date material, they will be refilling their drinks.**
And yet.
There are times when I think — gulp — about being up there getting hitched, or dancing, or commandeering the microphone,*** and everyone will be watching me. This thought alone is enough to make me reconsider elopement or, failing that, maybe just hiding out under the bedcovers for the entirety of the wedding day.
It goes even deeper than mere stage fright, too. There are times when I just can’t fathom why anyone would want to witness the beau and I get married. Besides our moms, that is. There’s just something that feels a touch narcissistic about the whole thing — O HAY U GUYZ, KOM WATCH US GET MARIEED! Is it wrong if your wedding feels like a show? No, I suppose not, because it is. It’s just that there’s a fine line between honesty and spectacle, and sometimes I can’t gauge which side I’m standing on for this wedding.
And it’s times like this I really have to sit myself down and have a heart-to-heart. Ritual is important, I remind myself. Community is important. People need a reason to come together — especially these days, when our respective communities are scattered across the far reaches of the country and even the globe.
Yes, people will look. But they’ll also love and support. Not unlike a night out on the town, our guests will be wined, dined, danced, and socialized at our wedding — but it won’t be empty and contrived entertainment. At the wedding’s best moments, our individual personalities, our laughter, our shared happiness will meld and grow until it becomes something bigger than all of us, together.
And that’s what keeps people coming back. After all, it can’t just be the open bar that makes people fly or drive hundreds of miles to join in your wedding celebration, right?
Right?
Right.
Eh. This is all just part and parcel of muddling my way through this thing. I will get up there during the wedding and I will like it. And if I don’t, well… there’s always that bed to hide in.
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* This has always sort of annoyed the crap out of me. It’s been sitting on the table in front of you the whole time. Why do you have to pick it up and look at it every five minutes? Are you feverishly praying that someone texted you? Are you checking your stock options? Are you looking at pr0n? What? What is it?
** Repeatedly. Copiously.
*** I know it’s “weird” for the bride to speak at a wedding, but man. Personally, I can’t imagine hosting any party – and this is going to be a mother of a party – without getting up to welcome my guests and thank them for coming. Yeah. I don’t mind getting up in front of 100 people to say hello, and yet the thought of them watching me incites terror. I don’t understand me, either.
I have to say, it is such a wonderful thing to read your blog (and the blogs of various other smart ladies) because it reminds me again and again that I’m so not alone. That in large part we all go through the same doubts and concerns about our weddings. And unlike the media at large would like to tell us, those doubts generally have nothing to do with “having YOUR perfect dream day.”
My earliest and probably most enduring concerns about the wedding come down to this same question: why would people want to come? Logically I know this is a bit nuts – I go to other weddings happily! even fly across the country for them! But somehow this logic has a hard time getting through to the emotions that actually count. Thinking of the community aspect, how it’s not about us but about the larger community and the ritual, that’s what seems to make the most impact on me as well.
And to underline how nuts/insecure I am about this, even though lately everyone keeps saying they are just SO EXCITED for the wedding, instead of feeling relieved and happy I’m left feeling uneasy all over again about whether we can live up to those expectations. Sigh.
P.S. I definitely plan to speak at the wedding as well – this terrifies me slightly but I feel it must be done.
I SO get that Nina!
I have this deep abiding fear that because it is a party that *I* am throwing, no-one will want to come. Its like I think I’m not worth it. And I dont get it, but I cant change it either! Thankfully all my friends have been very excited for me, so some of them will come at least 🙂
Oh Nina, I am but a vessel of doubt. But seriously, I’m glad none of us are alone. And without you guys here to contribute your thoughts and opinions and stories, I’d just be sitting here wringing my hands by myself.
I hear you about the expectations. I try to tell myself they have none, really — they’re just looking forward to seeing their friends/family get married and have a good time. But it’s so much easier to say that when you’re removed from the situation and can see it clearly. Me, I’ll probably worry about the same thing up until the wedding day is over.
I think it’s really important to find your and the beau’s balance between ritual and spectacle and hosting in a way that feels right. It’s hard stuff, in this age of “authentic” weddings that areofetn defined as such by their level of “personalization” and the Me Me Me show that can sometimes become, but I haven’t seen you guys making it into much of a spectacle. You’ve worried about it being honest, about graphic design, budget, music, food and DIY, and these things are not inauthentic show. (For people who are more performative in everyday life or profession, some more “show” might make sense.) You’re more worried about SHARING your joy and the flow of the day, which sounds about right to me. Your community will be there to share in, not be entertained by, your wedding joy.
Ariel at Offbeat bride has done a few posts on weddings for those of us who don’t love being the center of attention:
http://offbeatbride.com/2009/03/weddings-for-shy-people
http://offbeatbride.com/tag/shy-bride
Also, I’m planning on us giving a short speech at our wedding. We’re hosting the darn thing, after all, and I want to say thank yous to everyone for coming and helping make it all happen. I think this sort of thank you used to come from the parents, because they were paying. But now, it’s OUR party, and I think we need to be publicly appreciative for all the amazing people who took time out of their busy lives to contribute to the day.
It is a balance, but I agree with Becca that it doesn’t sound like your wedding is overly showy at all. It’ll be authentic and full of love. I understand that there is a performative aspect no matter how you cut it, but, I hope that in the moment, all the love flowing will override the concept that all these eyes are looking and I can focus on the support.
A wedding really is a total show. When I get rsvps sometimes I’m like “Really? You want to come?” but when I think about when my friends or family get married, damn straight I want to be there and I will be happy as can be for them. Its weird to think from that end since we’ve been on the bride side. People love you and want to watch the whole shebang and most people love a party
OMG, I SO hear you. I’m terrified, too. And I have made my fiance promise not to leave my side, because he will be my rock, whether he likes it or not. 🙂 Plus, he is much better at making small talk and such.
I didn’t realize that the bride talking wasn’t the default! I just thought that it was like, the only option? The bride and groom together, at least?
There is nothing quite as powerful as looking around the room at your wedding and seeing all these people who love you (or the beau or both). Who are all having a great time, with the drinking and the dancing and the catching up. It’s about you and the beau, yes, but it’s about so much more than that. it’s also about meeting the new babies and that girl that your cousin brought (it must be getting serious!) and watching your best friend dance with your aunt and more.
You know, Morgan, it is so weird. None of the brides ever spoke at any of the weddings I ever went to. Normally, it was just the “traditional” toasters that spoke — the best man, maid of honor, and maybe a dad or two. SOMETIMES the groom. I’m going to put a stop to that trend.
And I agree. I am looking forward to experiencing the power of the community. 🙂
Same here! Neither of my sisters-in-laws-to-be spoke at their weddings (or maybe one said something really short, can’t totally recall) but they are the most outspoken women I know so this seemed totally strange to me! Their grooms spoke on their behalf.
Ha. There was no way either of us was going to speak alone, and it would have been, to me, disrespectful not to thank everyone for coming, and various people for helping. Also, it would have been weird for Dave by himself to wish my two cousins Kim a happy birthday. (Two cousins, different sides of the family, both with birthdays a day away from the wedding. How could I NOT wish them a happy birthday?) We had both best men speak, both of our sisters (my attendants), plus his dad twice, and the MC, plus a joke from an uncle. (My dad had just died, so no dad speech, and my mom … didn’t speak. At the last minute. And blames me. For unknown reasons. Ahem.)
Besides, Dave wanted to toast my dad, and then he wrapped up the whole thing with a toast to the Calgary Flames hockey team, for winning on our first date (game 6 of round 1 playoffs, I got us lower bowl seats). He thanked them, because if they’d lost, he might have felt I was bad luck for his beloved team, and then we might not be married now. 🙂
Also known as. Speeches: a great place to share a piece of yourself with your family and friends!
God, I love blogs and their ability to help me connect with people I can relate to. I’m totally of the school of thought that being the center of attention just means that many more witnesses when you screw up! I’m definitely checking out Becca’s OBB post recommendations and adding it to my ‘introvert’ category of blog posts. I know that I will probably have to take breaks from all the people but I just don’t want to find myself huddled in the bridal room for an hour or something.