I took my engagement ring into the jeweler’s to see about getting a wedding band made. And my ring? Because it is custom-made and oddly shaped? Well, in order to get the band — a plain band, I might add — to match precisely, it would cost a pretty penny. And by pretty I mean “horribly prohibitive,” and by penny I mean “many thousands of them.”
Since going the route of the matching band is completely, thoroughly out of the question, I’m stuck. I’m stuck on what to do during and after the wedding ceremony. I could get a regular band with a standard shape, but when worn on the same finger as the engagement ring, there will be strange gaps between the rings. I know this because I tried it with a ring I already have. I didn’t like it. The mismatched shapes just won’t work when worn together. So at this point, my options seem to be as follows:
- During the ceremony, move the engagement ring over to my right hand (where, I must note, said ring does not fit any fingers). Wear the non-matching band on my left hand after the wedding.
- Forget about the wedding band entirely. Just use the engagement ring during our ceremony’s ring exchange and continue to wear it on my left hand after we’re married — aren’t multiple rings just the wedding industry’s attempt to get us to plunk down more of our hard-earned dough, anyway?
But then the more I reflected on these options, the more questions I had. Why did I think the engagement ring and wedding band had to go together? Why was I slightly miffed that mine couldn’t? Why did I expect us to wear rings, anyway? Was it just because that’s what I’ve always seen done? And most importantly: Why even do this thing? Why exchange rings in the first place?
I don’t know. My best guest is that wearing a physical symbol of a bond, an agreement, can be a powerful thing. That’s certainly what it’s grown to mean to me. I’ve come to appreciate having a tangible reminder of the connection my partner and I share, and the commitments we’ve made to each other. I look at my engagement ring and I see my beau.*
Which is, um, not what others see at all. Since I’ve gotten engaged, I have become painfully aware that a ring broadcasts messages about your taste, class, status, and ethical stance. Even if you don’t want it to. The very experience of wearing an e-ring has thrust me into a confusing labyrinth of bizarre situations and conflicting emotions. Witness those times I’ve:
- Smiled, nodded, and tucked my hand in my pocket while others vociferate at length on their hatred of diamonds and tradition.
- Anxiously doubted the size and flashiness quotient of my ring.
- Been flabbergasted to find that my ring isn’t nearly big enough for some, as if being engaged is about some kind of carat pissing contest.
- Fumed because random strangers wanted to grab my hand and coo over my ring, like WTF, can’t they understand that I’m not shallow like that?
- Gotten my dander up because random strangers did not seem the least bit interested in grabbing my hand and cooing over my ring, like WTF, aren’t they aware that I’m ENGAGED over here?
- Felt confused and wounded because some of my friends didn’t seem to be all that smitten with my ring, as if that even matters.**
So, that’s fun.
In summary, rings, the tradition of wearing them, their inherent meaning, and the way others judge them is fraught with, um, issues. A lot of them. Which frankly I am just too tired to enumerate here any further. Ah well. Somehow we’ll all stagger on. And while I’m working on figuring out the wedding band thing, tell me: Have you selected a band? Do you plan to wear it with your engagement ring after the wedding, or without? What do you think of about the whole ring exchange tradition, anyway?
Oh, and in case you are interested in further evaluation my lifestyle, but mostly at the behest of Robin, I shall leave you with a picture of my engagement ring. And part of my hand. Don’t worry, I have more fingers than those pictured.
___________________________________________
* I also see SPARKLIES, but this is beside the point.
** Hi, I’m a toolbag.
That ring is AMAZING. Bloody hell.
Do you know, I think a second ring that doesn’t fit would actually look pretty cool. A gap – so what? From the sounds of the post, you’d quite like another ring despite the cultural misgivings. It would still look cool. I think it would look nice below the shiny one. But if you’ve tried it and don’t like it, then how about wearing it on your right hand?
I have a titchy engagement ring, but we picked it together. I have little hands, so I think it fits, though soon after we were engaged another recent engagee wanted to see it, and there was a comical moment where I realised that our rings were identical in all bar one detail: hers was about six times the size of mine. I thought it was funny, but she seemed embarassed and didn’t know what to say.
you should try to email a vendor on etsy about your predicament. Maybe a jeweler on there would be more willingly to give you the ting you want for less?
Beautiful ring, Lyn!
My boss has a ring similar to yours, but I believe her middle diamond is a pear cut. (Could be wrong.) Anyways, the wedding band she wears on the same finger is 4mm yellow gold band with some beautiful flowers that look embossed (I’d actually say it’s close to Ms. Awesome Weds band, but all yellow.) Her engagement ring and wedding band look very interesting paired together. I’ve always wanted to ask her how her rings came to be, but I never have. I imagine it’s a beautiful story about an heirloom or how she lost her first wedding band and somehow stumbled upon this lovely gold band… but either way, the fact that her rings just look like they have a great story make them seem beautiful.
I think whatever band you choose and whatever fingers wear them, they will feel special because they’re yours and your story as to how they were obtained will shine through.
Hey, I’m in the one ring camp over here!
I’m taking it off before the ceremony. Sending it down with the ring bearer. The horror. I know. Do what seems right for you. If you really do want a band, go for it! I second the etsy suggestion. Or local jewelry stores. Or make it yourself! Check out the local artistic community – you’d be surprised at the jewelry-making classes you can find.
Heart you much.
I’m also in the “doesn’t fit” camp.
My ring is an opal and well… I heart it very much. But I’ve had some issues too (like being told by a local jeweler that an opal was a poor choice for an e-ring… whatever). Also, most people think it’s a “mood ring” and say so- “ohh pretty mood ring! me: actually it’s my engagement ring, and it’s an opal”. as a result, most people don’t even recognize that i’m engaged. which is nice and annoying- just like you said.
Anyhoo- no band will fit. Actually Andrew (fiance) said: “What, you need TWO rings????” when I told him. Hah.
So- our solution? We hired a local jeweler that makes pretty jeweler from silver and seaglass. We met with her, she’s making custom rings (for pretty damn cheap compared to a regular store). My ring will have a little seaglass that I picked out myself (that her mother picked off the shores of Cape Breton Island).
I will move my ring to my right hand at the ceremony and wear the co-band/engagement ring for the majority of the time. My opal will be for special occasions…. and whenever I want to feel smashing. 🙂
I agree with you though- i KNOW what rings stand for traditionally and it makes me want to barf. BUT- I really like the idea of having a band to symbolize our marriage. our commitment.
ps- I LOVE your ring 🙂
Thanks for writing an honest post about rings so I don’t have to! Ha! No really. I would have written something extremely similar. But i’m not done battling my ring issues yet. So inside my head they stay.
But I’ll say that I’m totally with you and sometimes I kinda hide my ring and then sometimes i’m like, WTF!? check out this awesome piece! I confuse myself and sometimes just wish I would stop.
Stop it, self! ya hear!?
*sigh* and then I forgot to write something helpful at all.
I am doing a plain band next to my engagement ring. No more bling for me. One bling is enough. I think you could totally do whatever felt right for the ceremony. No one can see anyway. So use your engagement ring or use a plain band and leave the e-ring at home for now. Or use your engagement ring until you can save up the pennies to get at matchy band?
gawd, I’m not helpful at all. Its like, here, let me restate and confuse your options more! When in the end, the right answer is the cliche blogger comment answer: “Do what feels right to you!”
yup.
My nonhelpful comments of the day:
1. Your ring is gorgeous. And I’m not even a diamond / fine jewelry kinda girl. Ow ow.
2. Two-bands with a gap; e-ring only; e-ring on the ring finger, band on another finger; e-ring (resized) on another finger, band on the ring finer = all totally acceptable options. You just gotta decide which you wanna do. (Don’t think about this too hard / long, or it will become a bigger deal to you than it seems it actually is to you, if that makes sense. snap judgment!)
3. I’m no real help on this topic cuz I went e-ringless, in part to avoid your above litany of annoyances, and other ethical/feminist/financial quandries I didn’t feel like wading through. So I’ll be a single ringer, with just the wedding band. But I suppose this is further evidence that one ring is fine / the one ring phenomenon exists if that’s what you’d like to do?
4. On the other unhelpful hand, I will say that I do really dig the wedding band tradition, regardless of which finger the band is on. I just like the mutuality of it, the simplicity (well, depending), the roundness/circle of life-esque idea of continuity. Etc. If you like those things, then the decision isn’t just about aesthetics, which makes it a bit more complicated, but I will stand firm that which finger you wear each ring on and whether there’s a gap is just aesthetics, and a matter of trying different combos at a ring shop and going with what looks prettiest.
5. Still more options — stick with just the e-ring but get a new engraving with the wedding date? Or something that makes it feel more connected to the wedding/mutual exchange, if that matters to you?
“Carat pissing contest.” Love it!
Your ring is lovely, by the way. The judging of rings needs to stop. No one should have to be judged/criticized for a ring that they love, regardless of size and type.
Ring(s) are important to me and Ryan, personally. We’ve been living 2 hours apart for almost a year now, and he’s been wearing a wedding band for almost all of the time. It makes me feel secure, that he is broadcasting the fact that he is taken. That sounds horribly jealous/petty/psycho stalkerish, but hey, its true.
I was having the same problem selecting a band, since my ring has a kind of wide, flat band all the way around, and I wanted a band to fit flush with it, since I do want to wear both rings after the wedding. I can’t imagine that I’ll always wear both rings, though (although who knows?), so I’d also like my band to look nice on its own. The guy who made my current ring is making my band, and I’ll get to see it first before I commit. Hope I like it!
Other than the shape, I also am having a hard time selecting the band because I do enjoy the sparkle, and I can have the sparkle ethically sourced. Fine. But . . . I tried some on, and I looked at the price tag, and I was like, do I really need more sparkle? Do I really care all that much?? And then I said, no. Nope, I don’t need it. I’m with ya Jen, one bling is enough.
In case you can’t tell, I am a fan of the ring exchange. Do you need it? No. But I think it’s a nice constant reminder of the vows you’ve taken and a symbol to the outside world or your commitment. Woot woot.
Also . . . it’s hard not to compare. It really really really is. Bah.
First, a carat pissing contest story (because — so funny), then an idea for your band.
Story: We went to dinner with a group of friends in San Francisco. One of these friends was also newly engaged (our friend was the guy of the couple). The woman talked with her hands up near her face the entire night. Her diamond was probably 3X as big as mine. I said congrats and beautiful ring, etc., and she glanced down at my hand and then changed the subject. I think she didn’t want to call attention to the fact that we must be very very poor based on the size of my little diamond.
Band idea: I too have an odd-shaped engagement ring. Our jeweler was an estate and antique jewelry specialist, so she has a lot of odd-shaped rings that are hard to fit with a band. They carry (new) narrow bands, which can be ordered in any gold or platinum (if you have that kind of $$$). The jeweler will shape the bands around your e-ring so that they “snug” the e-ring. You can add tiny diamonds, and some come with decorative filigree. They’re really pretty, and a great option. (Our jeweler is Rambling Rose Estate Jewelry, which is located in old town Orange, CA, in case you want to take a daytrip — they’re closed on Sundays, but open on Saturday.)
The thin bands that are not platinum, are very affordable (in the $250 range).
I’m really glad I found your post because I’ve really gone through all those issues since getting engaged. I adore my ring, but I guess a half a carat isn’t big enough anymore and I’ve definitely gotten some disappointed stares from people. I’ve also wondered what to do because my ring has side diamonds and filagree work that I don’t want to cover up with a wedding band, but both of our mothers seem to be insistent that I have one. So I guess I feel better knowing that someone out there has the same problems I do.
Weird. Ring envy and sorting through the emotions, sanity, cost, symbolism and true meaning was very much part of my covetous freakout this past weekend. A lovely girlfriend’s massive diamond and beautiful new house didn’t exactly help matters.
I love my engagement ring when it’s just me alone with my ring. I feel self conscious that it’s too big/sparkly/ostentatious in certain settings. And, at other points, I am uncontrollably envious around others (even when I didn’t *want* a freaking engagement ring to begin with!) And then I somehow want the wedding band to make up for all these crazy competing insecurities! Oh, and somewhere in there budget freakouts work their way in too. I *think* I’ve come to a decision, but I have yet to discuss it all with Jason, so I’ll wait to publicly talk through it all until a later point.
Big picture, I decided that the wedding band is importantly symbolic. I’ve found the engagement ring strangely comforting when I work late nights or I’m stressed about something, because it reminds me that I’m not in this alone. But, I’ve discovered that my e-ring, while beautiful, is less than practical and gets caught in hair, scratches, etc. I feel like this would be a bad idea with babies. And so, I truly want a wedding band for when I don’t want to specifically wear the engagement ring. Practically, I want a low-profile band that I can wear alone, without an engagement ring, for a time when I have children, or travel, or just don’t want to be blinged out but still want to be wearing that symbol of our commitment.
I love your ring, for what it’s worth. And, when I stood back from everyone else and start to think about what I truly what and why, my decision was easier. Not easy, mind you, but easier.
This probably doesn’t help your situation, but my ring is an asymmetrical shape so when Mr. Beagle ordered it, he also requested a plain band designed to fit. We got it from Etsy, from my favorite jewelry designer.
I guess my suggestion is to try Etsy and see if anyone can make a custom one for less. Or just go with a plain band like you want, that doesn’t fit perfectly together. I don’t think they would look weird together at all. In fact, it’d make it look all the more unique.
And screw everyone and their carat pissing competition (love this phrase). If you want a wedding band, get one; if you don’t, don’t. And don’t worry about other people’s ideas of what an engagement ring should or should not look like. You are an intelligent woman who holds a lot of meaning in that ring on your finger. Embrace your love of it. Eff everyone else’s expectations.
I like your honesty about your mixed feeling regarding the rings.
Some brainstorming:
In Europe they wear wedding bands on the right hand. Maybe that could be an option? Or maybe just a short term option until you could get a matching band (if you choose) someday? Or perhaps your engagement ring could be sized to fit your right hand? Or I really like Sarah’s idea of a simple thin band, made curved to go with your engagement ring.
We have very plain silver (yes, you read me right…silver) wedding bands, and I have come to love their simplicity even more since the time of our wedding about 8 months ago. (Hopefully they will hold up over the long haul! They were made by a jeweler we know who makes and designs his own stuff, and the process is different than a machine manufactured silver ring, and apparently stronger, but I guess we will see over time…) The color of the wedding band is a slightly different color than my white gold banded engagement ring, which bothered me just a bit at first, but now I think maybe that I’ve decided that just makes it more interesting. Besides it is not really noticeable at a quick glance. 🙂
And there are inexpensive ring options that provide the symbolism without all the extreme cost. That is the path we took, because by the time we ordered the rings (maybe only 2 weeks before the wedding?) we were feeling broke. Silver seemed like a good, economic option at the time. Maybe a individual business owner/jeweler would be way cheaper than a large store that sells stuff they order from elsewhere?
I really like the symbolism of the wedding band, but I am a big fan of symbolism and ritual, and things that mean something bigger than whatever the concrete object actually is. 🙂
Good luck choosing a choice that feels right to you guys!
My rings weren’t bought together, but they fit together nicely, mainly because they are both really really plain bands. My wife’s are very clearly not matching, but unless you are staring at it from like, six inches away (which after you get married, rarely occurs), no one can tell. I think as long as you get a fairly thin band it shouldn’t look weird. You could also wear your engagement ring on your right hand after the wedding if you don’t want to double up on one finger. Frankly, if that were my ring, I would find a way to keep wearing it :-). I like the idea of using it as your wedding ring too.
To borrow a phrase from my future mother-in-law, YAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you for sharing. What a gorgeous ring! I agree with A Team that all the wedding band options are totally acceptable and that when you figure out the one you are most comfortable with, you’ll make it work.
As for us, we’re planning on splurging on the wedding band that goes with my engagement ring. If our budget gets stretched too thin, it’s probably the first thing we’ll give up. In which case I would probably stick with my engagement ring alone, and once I’m in a better employment situation get the wedding band and mark an anniversary with it or some such.
I absolutely LOVE your ring. It’s beautiful and delicate and strong all at the same time. (checking own ring to make sure I still love it too… yep, good)
I struggled a lot with the wedding band. Weeks and weeks. My engagement ring band tapers a bit, so it leaves a small gap against a plain band which only bothered me until I saw it with a correctly proportioned ring that actually fit. Then the gap seemed miniscule. Your ring I could see it being more problematic though. I like the idea of wearing them on different hands (which is what I wanted to do but my right ring finger is also bigger than my left, so I could probably only do this in the winter when my hands are perpetually cold).
Perhaps get the engagement ring adjusted to fit your right and wear the band on the left (otherwise you might get some “so when’s the wedding?” questions). But really, I realized in my weeks of struggling with this that really just do what feels right. And the exact arrangement might not fully sort out until you’re wearing the thing (or not as it may be). I ended up getting a custom made thin band that has some flush set tiny diamonds embedded in it. I initially didn’t love it and this stressed me out endlessly, but I’m pretty sure I do now (this is the risk you take with custom made things, you have the image in your head but it might not translate exactly right into a physical thing. I convinced myself that as long as I use the same gold, I could later remake the band if I really was not happy with it in the long run, but I don’t think I’ll need to.)
Totally there on conflicting feelings 1 through 6. I’ve felt sooo uncomfortable at work conferences where the crowd is extremely socially/environmentally conscious and most of the women seem to wear thin plain bands. Seems so dignified compared to my sparkly bling…
I had the same problem – couldn’t afford the “matching” ring… in frustration, I started popping into jewelers whenever I passed one, hoping someone would give me a much lower quote for custom… Custom remained unaffordable but I tried on rings at each store trying to find something I could “live” with. Until… I happened to try on a clearance ring at a jeweler up the block that looked PERFECT with my ring. It’s not quite flush, but my wedding band has an interesting design and shape that just works with my ring. I love, love, love it and it was way under budget! I realize I was lucky but I bet if you keep looking you’ll discover more options.
Keep trying on rings… something you love in your price range may be lurking just down the street.
Love this and love your ring!
I’ve got a “starter ring” right now since my Boo was unemployed when we got engaged, but we really wanted to get engaged when we did, so he has said he’d like to get me a nicer ring before we get married and when he has saved up for it. Since my ring is not a traditional ring when people find out we are engaged the ladies always ask to see the ring and I have gotten this comment “Oh, it’s cute”- nothing could be more condescending! Cute, as if we were in junior high and he had gotten it out of a vending machine!
I kind of have been debating getting a wedding band. They wouldn’t fit perfectly because my setting is flush with with the band and I find the wedding bands with curved pieces to accommodates the diamond to be weird. However I do like the look of stacked rings. My engagement ring has a super thin band and I plan on having a thin wedding band as well so it won’t feel bulky. Also if I ever go camping or do something where I don’t want to worry about losing a diamond it’d be nice to be able to just wear the plain band without the engagement ring.
I didn’t think I could handle a huge gap w/ my engagement/wedding rings b/c I am ANAL. Well. That is until I saw this:
http://www.swarovski.com/Web_US/en/1014339/product/Halley_Ring_.html?CatalogCategoryName=0112
Um, I love. Gaps are totally rock-able if you make it a “thing”, e.g the three Swarovski rings don’t line up and it works. I can see how it could look like a little ghetto but if done right you’d be adding something really different and cool to your finger. You’d be a trendsetter!
My nickname is G$, b/c I am a blingwhore. If it’s sparkly I want it all over my body. It takes a lot of self-restraint not to walk around with full-on glitter and rhinestones glued to my face a la the girl in the “Adicolor Pink” video (google video search “Greg Weeks Made” it’s the pink video). Which is why I want TWO wedding bands to maximize the blingage, since I won’t be able to wear my huge cocktail rings on my left hand anymore. I would like these inexpensive ones: http://www.swarovski.com/Web_US/en/1032585/product/Honestly_Ring_.html?CatalogCategoryName=0112
If my mom or aunt knew I wanted “fake” rings they’d die of horror but it’s not about the dollar value, it’s about BLINDING YOU!
Um, LOL. This is hilarious!
First – your ring, by the way, is feminine, classic and timeless. Well played beau!
Second, I have been through all those emotions. I always thought I would have a colored stone or no ring … and honestly had never been someone who though they would get or like large rock on my finger. And then my soon to be hubby got me a humongous diamond – it is a solitare which I like –but it is really big. And I love it… but that doesn’t stop me from feeling ostentatious or awkward, or that people judge me for it. I love it b/c he got it for me, and it is beautiful and who gives a ring back and asks for something smaller? But I also feel bad every time someone makes a remark about it’s size. So many times I will spin it around and just keep the plain band showing.
As for the bands, I am embracing the gap. I like it. I think it is interesting and looks different. I also like the idea of having a symbol of the actual vows on my hand. I went with small diamonds on the band b/c I will likely wear just the band most of the time. Don’t feel that your rings have to be matchy – or that you need to have a certain thing. Pick what you like and then own it.
first of all… holynutballs your ring is gorgeous!!!
you know what i did? i knew that i wanted an irregularly shaped ring, and finding a set was well beyond our budget. so instead of getting an engagement ring, i got a diamond-studded wedding band and wore it during my4 month engagement. kinda like a twofer!
soooo maybe you can just have an engagement ring and double it as your wedding ring. that’s what tenthousandandonly did too.
@ all of you guys: Wow. You are making me think. Very, very much. You are helping me reconsider a non-matchy band. You are helping me work through my ideas and issues. Thank you so much for your comments and insight.
just wanted to add mine are non-matching and i love it. i’ve always had a soft spot for yellow gold and now i feel like i can start wearing it again, along with some two-tone stuff. my e-ring is plat and my w-ring is a very thing yellow gold. picked it up at a pawn shop for $60. i think the non-matching looks really awesome! good luck in your search! i’m sure you’ll find the perfect thing!
I just got married and didn’t find a band that I liked to fit my custom engagement ring so I just said eff it and didn’t get one at all. I took my ring off right before the ceremony and that’s what he put back on me. I don’t feel like it lost any significance, etc. Well….now that the wedding is over everyone wants to see your hand and I feel the need to explain and they feel the need to interject their opinions like “you have to have a band”….since we didn’t do a whole lot of other traditional things in the wedding I say – do what you want and don’t worry about what other folks say.
I love your take on wedding rings. It spells out pretty much exactly how I feel about rings. only i could never write it as good and funny as you did!
Engagement rings:
I didn’t want one. I got one so everyone would know I was engaged. I no longer wear it.
it confuses a lot of people.
So glad you posted this… I have an unusual e-ring, as my guy was delaying the asking fretting over diamonds to the point that I said screw the stone, use a twisty tie if you need to.
Instead he custom-designed a silver band that was so sweet with meaning (it winds around my finger twice, so from the front it looks like two rings, and crosses in the back – he said, “we’re two separate people, but inside we’re really one”).
It looks like a wedding band and confuses some. Also, I’ve found it hard when (well-meaning) friends do the “Let me see the ring!! squeal and then don’t have much to gush over.
I’m doing a tiny diamond stacking ring as my wedding ring, which makes it like I switched the two ideas. I’ll probably treat the plain band as my wedding ring, even though I got it first. I also intend to receive new ones over time (as in, there should be a little box after each new life shoved out my who-ha). Then I can mix and match whatever I’m feeling that day. Not traditional, but just fine for me!