As we trudge ever onward towards our wedding day, you may notice more action-item type posts from me. That is because we are truly in the “working on shit” part of the planning. There is no room anymore for postulating, or ruminating, or analyzing. There is just terror, deep-seated terror.
Sometimes I feel like I’m back in college, and it’s 2:00 am and I have a paper due at 8:00am. This was the point that I pretty much started bullshitting. Primary thesis not quite making sense? No matter, just throw some more words on the paper. Words, we need more words! Leave that sentence half-finished for now! JUST KEEP GOING.
And so the beau and I frantically flit from one task to another. Go grocery shopping, check out some park venues for the welcome picnic! Balance my checking account, work on the music playlists! Finish a project at work, dash off an email to my brigadier about the bachelorette party! Get into bed, discuss the menu options for dinner!
Yet despite this flurry of action, it feels like we’re just spinning our wheels. No matter how much we plug away, the ol’ to-do list remains mountains high and miles long, and the days keep clicking by. I have a deep-seated fear that I will wake up tomorrow and it will suddenly be our wedding day, and none of the things on this list will actually be done. I mean, we’re already behind on our invitations. Guess which week they were supposed to go out?* Guess who hasn’t actually even begun to design them yet?**
You know, time and again I’ve heard wiser people say, oh, in the end, you’ll just throw out those unfinished tasks! They won’t matter anymore after the wedding, trust us! And I’m like, OK, that’s cool, but what if, like, the ceremony is unfinished? Because it totally is, in the sense that we haven’t even thought about it yet. And don’t you need that? Don’t we need music? Don’t we need to settle on a final menu so there will be food? Don’t we need to finalize all the rentals so that people will have chairs on which to sit? Don’t we need to buy the booze? Don’t we need… clothes? Yes, yes we do. We need to do all of that and more. So much more.
I hear the rising chorus of voices already: “But dude! You totally have time! You have a shitload of time! It will all get done!” Well, all right then. But seriously, how did you guys do it? Did a unicorn come along one day and POOF, finish up your to-do items in one magical, glittery cloudburst of cupcakes? Because honestly, that’s kind of what I’m assuming happens at this point. Outside of quitting my job and devoting the next two months to Teh Weddingz, I’m just not seeing how to bridge that gap.
Nevertheless! For all the anxiety-ridden FAIL, there are small successes. Such as: I FINALLY FINISHED THE WEBSITE. If I could make these words leap off of your screen and transform into billboard-sized letters that blink in neon colors, I totally would. Because this is how strongly I feel about the fact that I FINALLY FINISHED THE WEBSITE. Maybe later this week I’ll tell you just how I did it, even. And no, contrary to popular belief, it did not involve magical cupcake-wielding unicorns.***
In the meantime, I’ve gotta get back to work. These invitations aren’t going to finish themselves.****
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* If you guessed “this week,” you win! Step forward and claim your prize of this, um… (looking around) slightly used paper towel! And some sweater lint!
** That’s a big, fat, resounding ME.
*** But oh, how I wish it did.
**** But oh, how I wish they would.
No cupcake weilding unicorns?! Say it ain’t so!
But seriously- great job on finishing the website! It’s definitely one of those big ass tasks you want to celebrate with cream puffs and champagne when you cross it off the list. I remember when we finished ours. I think we drank a bottle of wine and called it a night.
Except… a week after it was up I realized we had a left out all of the wedding information! No date. No time. No location. Nada! Haha! We went back and made some changes, but it’s funny how you power through things and forget the most obvious of details.
Besides you already have your wedding flask! Go have a cream puff and bubbly!
Mmmm. Cream puff. Glaiiigh.
You need to start making some snap decisions. Give yourselves a few options, and make yourselves decide right there and then.
And yayyyy for finishing the website!
yay for making progress! albeit it’s not as ninja-like as you would like for it to be.
and, although i understand the appeal behind cupcake-wielding-unicorns that do shit for you, in the end, it’s about you creating your wedding to ensure that it’s YOUR wedding. it may seem dill-weedingly tedious right now, but it’ll pay off later. i swearz.
Congrats on finishing the website! If only I could get Mr. Beagle to make a little progress on ours.
My suggestion for tackling the to do list is to budget things to do throughout the week at the beginning of the week. Then don’t look at the list all week, just your daily to dos. I feel like breaking it up that way keeps things from becoming overwhelming.
Right missus that is enough! Stop dumping all this pressure on yourself.
I think it might be time to tackle the invitations. Food and drink don’t matter unless you have guests to eat and drink. Plus you can’t be sure of your numbers until you’ve had your RSVPs.
Believe me I have been there, there is a time where it just gets crazy ass busy but once we got the invitations out there was the strange peace that descended. If necessary send a holding email to the caterer and rental companies saying that you will confirm closer to the time, ask if they have a cut off date and make sure it is in the diary.
Woop woop woop for the website those words jumped out at me. Massive achievement and really you need to bask in the joy of these achievements because so much of the things on the list are small and mundane and no one will ever know that you did them. The website however they are going to LOVE!
I think all brides should be allowed to work part-time for the last 6 months before their wedding – I might start a campaign actually.
And allow me to add to that last bit — work part-time for the last six months while still being paid for full time. Right?
Thanks!
or paid time and a half because realistically that is what you are working!
Shite. This sounds bad. But you know, it just seems bad – when you wake up in a panic in the middle of the night and it seems impossible. But it isn’t.
There’s a tactic people use when paying off debts that’s a bit counterintuitive, but works. I think it could help here.
It’s called a debt snowball – what you do is work out the things you can pay off fastest (rather than the big impossible things) and then you do those first, so you feel better about the whole process and ACTUALLY DO IT rather than feeling that its such an insurmountable thing that it’s impossible and so you won’t bother at all.
Even the big things can be broken down into little acheivable things. Write a time value by each of the things on your list and then add another half hour or hour (becuase you’ll always underestimate). Break down the biggies (invites: design, call printers, buy stamps etc) and then do the small stuff. And the big stuff will be done before you know it.
I am beginning to have these fears.
Choosing and booking the venues just a couple months after getting engaged, and then getting a dress soon after, it seemed we were ALL OVER THIS WEDDING THING.
But since nothing has happened since then… and that was months ago… I’m definitely feeling the terror.
So if you do happen to figure out how to get things done, please let me know. That includes locating the cupcake weilding unicorns.
I would get so much mroe done if I ahd unicorn help too
good luck with invites! it feels so good once they are gone
oh, man, lets not ever talk about time! Me and the calendar aren’t friends right now. We’ve had some bad moments and I can’t even look at it! TWO MONTHS! WTF!?
Anyway, I’m breaking up our big scary to do list into small manageable bites so I feel like I actually got stuff done. Otherwise I was feeling the same….just spinning our wheels doing shit while the list just laughs in my face.
And the nightmares have returned where I find out the wedding is TOMORROW and all this stuff isn’t done! EEEEK!!! please magic unicorn, come poof my list!
Make a list of the things that need to be done, and need to be done SOON (logistically). Like somehow informing your guests about the wedding, and getting their responses. And, if food needs to be decided soon for catering purposes, choosing the menu. And, if there’s a risk that they may all be rented out if you wait too long, reserving your rentals.
Do those things. And do them kinda fast, without too much overresearching or second-guessing or worrying about perfection. Just knock em off.
Then drink some wine, and create a new list of things that have to be done for the wedding (like write ceremony, make playlists if you’re iPoding, get Booze, arrange for food for welcome party, rent speakers / mike), and things you would like to do for the wedding (perhaps centerpieces / decor, seating charts, etc, programs, etc). Prioritize the list with the necessary shit first, and make a schedule. You probably won’t stick to that schedule, if you’re like me (which it seems you are with the 2am essay start time), but at least you’ll know when you’re getting behind and what that means, which seems far better than just having a massively long list and no sense of how long shit will take and when it’ll get done.
Then call for the unicorns.
But seriously, your post is me exactly one week ago, freaking out. So then we took this approach and had a hella productive week (though still less productive than our ambitious list would like). We made our invitations, mailed em this morning, designed an online rsvp (easy! google docs!), and tonight we’re arbitrarily choosing entree options, updating the website, comparing day-of-coordination proposals, and emailing our team about the all important q of what to wear — then we’ll enjoy a few self-congratulatory days of netflix and wine before planning ceremony writing, reading choices, ring purchases, playlists, shoes and headwear, rentals, etc. Still a shit ton to do, but I feel like I can breathe again, so it’s cool.
Good luck. You will do it.
This is a great method. I already tried it, sort of, but the list seemed so long and impossible that I stopped even looking at it. Bah. I need to break it into more manageable chunks and kick-start the breathing process again.
Also, the wine. I should have more of it.
Dude.
I’ve got lists. I ignore them because they stress me out. You know what helps sometimes? Hearing other people’s unfinished lists.
So, with less than two months to go, here’s mine (okay, ours, but let’s be honest here):
-Himself has to find something to wear
-Ceremony has to be finished
-Are we having a band for cocktail hour? No clue.
-We have to get wedding rings
-Post-wedding getaway has to be booked
-Where are we staying the night of the wedding? No clue.
-Favor donation has to be made
-Tasting has to be done
-Welcome dinner location? No clue
-Gifts for the wedding party have to be purchased (made? No! No time!!! NO TIME!!!!!)
-I’m sure we’re having booze at the wedding, but hasn’t been bought yet
-We have to arrange transportation from the ceremony to the reception
-Ceremony programs have to be made (but please refer to point #2)
The worst part is, I tried to be proactive. I tried to do things early and give things to himself to take care of. Guess that didn’t work.
Just keep going indeed.
Ha ha, that did help, thanks. And why is it that proactivity always ends badly for me? As in, I don’t actually DO it, just think about it?
I mean, thinking about it is half the battle . . . right? (snort)
Congrats on finishing the website- that is HUGE and such a great thing to have done before you send out the invites! Our invites went out late, but we minimized the damage by sending out a preliminary email save-the-dates (with the link to our website and all relevant details) a week or two before we sent out the official invites. That way, everyone could begin to plan and we could finish the invites and get them in the mail without going crazy. People even RSVPed before they got the paper invites. Some people requested we not send them the paper ones to save trees. It ended up very okay….people even booked international flights without having the actual paper invite in hand. And once I assembled several friends willing to tape, cut, and assemble in an assembly line method, the invitations came together much quicker than I had thought they would.
And maybe call the rental place to see what the deadline is for reserving the stuff you need to rent? I was shocked to find out that our place (strangely) only needed less than a week’s notice. So that took off a lot of pressure and we did that the week of the wedding.
The ceremony planning happened in the last 10 days through emails with our celebrants, and that was fine. Even getting my husband’s suit happened less than two weeks before the wedding. We walked into Zara and bought a suit, shirt, and tie off the rack and had a friend who said she would hem it. We were also very last minute about every detail of the rehearsal and welcome dinner. We had the wedding rings made about 2 weeks before. I think our situation of extreme last-minute-ness is obviously not ideal, but it is surprising how much one really can leave to the last minute and still have it all come together and work out without people suspecting. 🙂
Anyhow, all that to say, like others have already said, only focusing on the most urgent tasks, a couple at a time only, is probably the best route. Hang in there.
Oh, buying alcohol, booking our wedding night/mini-moon hotel room, and favors also came together in the last two weeks. Wedding party gifts only partially got done before the wedding, and the rest (including the thank you card) got mailed/delivered after the fact. I was sad about that but everyone seem to understand.
No unicorns showed up for my planning, but some good friends did, so don’t forget to ask for help! I loathe asking for help, but I needed it and my friends were more than willing…so do that!
Also, I know some other ladies have given similar advice but here is how we tackled “the list”. We broke everything down by month and gave ourselves a sane, manageable amount of items to do in the last 4 months before the wedding. And then we only did the tasks for that month and ignored EVERYTHING else. We knew the time would come when we had to tackle those tasks, but not now. Looking at 10 little things for March instead of 100 things for the whole wedding felt doable. And it was. We knew if we got done what was on the monthly list we would be fine. NEVER LOOK AT THE WHOLE LIST. It will just freak you out.
Then we set an overall deadline for 1 week before the wedding. If a task wasn’t done at this point, it wasn’t getting done. I spent the last week before our wedding just relaxing with friends and packing for our honeymoon. I spent our wedding weekend drinking champagne, grilling and chilling instead of frantically folding napkins or placecards or any of that other stuff we “need” to do. It was awesome. It took a lot of organization, but it was worth it.
Good luck, you can do it. I promise.
This! I want this: spending the “last week before our honeymoon just relaxing with friends and packing for our honeymoon.” How awesome that you guys were able to do it! Man, this is what I’m going to work for now.
First, congrats on finishing the Website! That’s a huge job right there. And you have your flask and the stuff that goes in it. Also very important.
Seond, “Did a unicorn come along one day and POOF, finish up your to-do items in one magical, glittery cloudburst of cupcakes?” Hello. This doesn’t happen? Well, crap.
I recommend that you go over to A Practical Wedding, and look through her archives on wedding panic. I’m pretty sure that everyone feels this way when it gets down to crunch time.
Oh, yes.
I’ve had at least 3 nightmares where I am at my wedding and it’s all going wrong. In one particularly terrible one, everyone was ignoring me and I needed help to do up my corset. It was like 1 minute before the ceremony was to start and everyone was waiting and I was off on the side being like “SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!”. And they all shh’ed me and Dave said “We’re starting w/ or w/o you”. Which, makes sense right? Invariably I awake from these great dreams in a sweat and with my heart racing.
I’m so there with you, Lynn. It will get done but you might be cutting it close. Those to-do’s aren’t going to simply vanish but you might need to be…less picky about some stuff? I am choosing to be less picky about stuff like bridesmaid dresses. We’re going on Saturday and I told them it would take 2 hours or less. I know what I want and I haven’t been able to track it down online. So if I don’t find it Saturday I’m just calling it a day and telling them to get something pretty, floor length and black.
Oh and the ceremony. We’re “building” our entire ceremony. It’s on a beach. His uncle is going to marry us. So again – it’s all on us to create a meaningful, logical, not-too-painful for guests ceremony. I’ve been to two weddings in my life and they were both in a church. This is the first time I’ve actually thought “hmm maybe there are benefits to a church wedding”. Namely. YOU DON’T HAVE TO PULL THE ENTIRE THING OUT OF YOUR COLLECTIVE IDIOT ASSES! The whole bible thingy has most of what you need already laid out, even if I am agnostic and offended by half of what I read in Genesis. Ohh the PRESSURE to find poems or excerpts from books/philosophies that speak to our souls and represent who we are and will help pour the foundation of our marriage. I don’t even know how to actually find a book using the Dewy Decimal system (I swap books with people! I’m not actually illiterate…).
Oh we are so truly fucked. Say, when you’re done designing your ceremony…wanna shoot it over to me? You know. Just so I can, uh, edit it for you?!
This made me crack up, which I need at this point in the wedding planning process. Everyone keeps telling me how much time I have, but, really, it’s only 108 days away! And there’s so much to do! I actually had a dream this past weekend that Egg and I had gone out for a day of frolicking, completely forgetting that the wedding was the following day. And NOTHING was done. dress wasn’t fitted, no menus or programs were printed, I hadn’t given final guest counts to any vendors and they were all mad, there were no flowers or decorations of any kind, we had no wedding bands, our vows weren’t written.
scared the shit out of me. how do people expect me to accomplish all of these things? especially when my real is already so busy I have very little free time?! ack!
holy shit I need me some unicorns to come along with their magical, glittery cloudburst of cupcakes and save me from the next 3 days!! I wish I had something reasonably intelligent to add but I got nothing… I’m all tapped out. My stomach is a mess (nerves do that to me) so even a glass of wine is not that tempting. And really, when things have gotten to that point I’m in trouble. I’m ready to be married now. And like you said, this shit needs to be done (we’re not spending our nights doing final DIY projects, no we’re just trying to make sure people are seated and that we have transportation to the venue!). The only thing I can say is, a lot of it seems more daunting than it actually is. Now to make signs that point to the bathroom…
Oh, my poor, poor dear. Sending you good vibes….
Our invitations went out late. I built the website the day the invitations went out. We’re finishing the ceremony on Friday (3 days before the wedding). We haven’t finished our playlists yet (maybe tomorrow?) In the last two weeks we’ve: gotten photographers and finalized our menu. We still don’t have rentals nailed down (though that is suppossed to happen today!). Our groomsmen are shopping for outfits today. I’m not saying do things like us, but things WILL work out. Pinky swear promise.
YOU ARE SPEAKING MY LIFE.
that might be a little melodramatic.
less than 3 weeks from the wedding, and if another person says “oh don’t worry about it honey, it will all get done and then you’ll be maaaaaarried,” there may be violence.
I just want to say “Do you know my to-do list? DO YOU?” Some of these things are actually necessary for the process of being married. This is not “silly little bride obsessing over swizzle sticks” This is actually having a ceremony, and people to cook food, and music that plays loud enough to hear it (and flowers which are slightly less necessary, but stressing me out). And combined with all the junk that needs to get done be in order to leave my job for several weeks, this is an everest of a to-do list here. so no, random chit-chatter, I can not wax romantic about planning a wedding at this moment.
if another person says “oh don’t worry about it honey, it will all get done and then you’ll be maaaaaarried,” there may be violence.
I wholeheartedly agree. Yeah I get it, I’ll be married, but it’s also a day that I’ve put way too much money and way too much heart into to just leave up to fate now!
UPDATE since my comment yesterday.
Last night I had a dream about the wedding ceremony. It was complete chaos, no one knew where to stand or what to do, the order of service was scribbled on a piece of paper and my dad and the celebrant were saying “so I think we just did that bit, lets move on to this bit” and I was like “WTF we did NOT just do that bit we haven’t had any vows yet!!!!” And we all had to keep running off to organise other things – yes in the middle of the ceremony – then people were arriving late and walking in right next to us and hugging us in the middle of the vows… then the band was playing too loud and no one could hear anything – still at the ceremony – then the band finished so they bailed, again walking right in between me, my man and the celebrant…..
I woke up sweaty. And after the panic, had a sigh of relief cos there is no way it could actually be that bad. Even if everything went to shit, it would not be as bad as what I lived through last night.
So, that’s good right?
I haven’t laughed thinking about my wedding in months. (Don’t get me wrong, I’ve smiled about the marriage, but the WEDDING, oh no no.) In the delirium of wedding research, I’m frankly not even sure how I stumbled upon your blog, but Thank You God, Goddess, Twisted Conspiracy that is Wedding-ness, I’m not alone. Now if only I could convince you to finish my d*** website….
You may not finish it all, but as long as you get to the part where you say “I Do”, it doesn’t really f*in matter in the long run! Best of luck & love
Thanks, lady! This warmed the cockles of my heart. I didn’t even know I had such a thing. I guess that’s one of the rare benefits of having a wedding, your heart gets to do fun things sometimes.
Anyway, hello and welcome! I’m glad you made it here.
Me too!! Over the last few days everytime I find myself on the verge of tears, whiskey in hand and about to dive into the Gulf of Mexico all Ophelia-like, I just come to your blog, and suddenly feel washed with relief & calm. (I know, cheesy, ewwwww, what have I turned into?!) THANK YOU. You are an incredible writer & person!