I don’t know what it is about a wedding day that makes the simplest of tasks suddenly seem like landing the space shuttle on a skyscraper in a hailstorm while eating two jelly rolls. And smoking a cigarette.*
Take personal grooming, for instance. On a typical morning I shower, dress, apply some deodorant, brush my hair, put on some makeup, and cry into my coffee** before heading off to work. But on my wedding day these small, manageable habits inexplicably require mountains of effort and planning which must be agonized over for months in advance. It’s not just the same daily routine anymore, no. When you get married it’s SHOWER. DRESS. DEODORANT. HAIR. MAKEUP. CRY. WORK. Yeah, I trotted out the boldface and italics. I am already fatigued just typing about it.
Hair and makeup, in particular, have eaten up an ever-increasing amount of my brainspace since the day the beau and I got engaged. Part of the problem is that they need to stand up to any number of situations and occurrences that might not normally occur on the other, more pedestrian days of the year. Will my photographer be making me leap up off the ground repeatedly in an attempt to capture that classic, vaunted “wedding party suspended in the air” shot?*** Well, my hair and makeup must be prepared for that. My hair and makeup must be ready for shoulder-heaving ugly cries, freak gusts of wind, wayward streams of champagne, and sweaty moves on the dancefloor. They must defy gravity and outlast the cruel hand of time. They must be able to withstand the most righteous of stares from the most judgmental of people. In short, the wedding day is like my hair and makeup’s version of the bar exam, with significantly fewer discussions regarding tort reform.
Then there’s the part where you have to smell good during the entire wedding day. This became a substantial source of anxiety for me recently when my underarms suddenly broke out in an itchy rash. For a few terrifying days, I thought I might have to cease spritzing lemon furniture polish all over my body for that classic post-shower sheen. How relieved I was to finally discover that my deodorant was actually the culprit. That day the beau was going grocery shopping at Trader Joe’s, so I had him pick up some new deodorant for me there. What he came back with was Tom’s of Maine Unscented Original Natural Care. “Here,” he said, nonchalantly tossing the stick at me on the couch. “Here’s your hippie deodorant.”
Hippie deodorant, psssht. I was delighted to learn that Tom’s active anti-odor ingredient is hops extract, and as a consequence I fondly began to think of it as my “beer deodorant.” Unfortunately, its efficacy level is equivalent to actually rubbing my armpits with beer every morning, minus the added benefit of smelling like a brewery.**** Activities that I never thought it possible to sweat from, such as clicking hyperlinks in my browser window, are now making me want to stuff toilet paper in my armpits just to absorb the excess moisture. I’ve taken to holding my arms away from my body as much as possible, in hopes that an errant breeze will sweep through my clothing and maybe dry things off up in there. Lately, my body language constantly screams HELLO! I am casually hanging around with my elbows thrust out jauntily because HAVEN’T YOU HEARD the akimbo look is all the rage?*****
At any other time of my life, this would be just another mildly embarrassing anecdote posted on the internet in a halfhearted attempt to amuse strangers. But the other day I suddenly realized that oh yeah, I have this wedding thing that is fast approaching, and JESUS MARY I need to sort this deodorant issue out right now. Because I can see it all now: Instead of being remembered as the “I CAN’T BELIEVE THEY DIDN’T SERVE US CAKE” wedding, our guests will gleefully recount stories of the “B.O. BRIDE.” Friends, I am not having that.
So. With six weeks left until the big day, it’s desperation time for all the little details. How do I find a deodorant that works really, really well, without causing my armpits to raise up in giant, red welts? Where do I get makeup that doesn’t slide off of my face the minute I step outside to greet my guests, and how exactly do I apply it? What’s going on with my hair? Where do I find shoes to wear that aren’t ugly or uncomfortable? What about crying? Is there a way I can inhibit my tear ducts for that day and that day only? What about all the damned work it takes to put on a wedding? Whose responsibility is that? Surely not mine, right? Can I get a nap? Can I get a witness?
This stuff is as incomprehensible as rocket science. How did you guys figure it all out? Holler?
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* I’m sorry, but I think I’m legally obligated to cite Kids in the Hall’s Mississippi Gary: “Smokin’ on a night train, chewin’ on a jelly roll.”
** What? Maybe I like my coffee salty.
*** No.
**** I knew there was a damn good reason I was offered that promotion.
***** IT TOTALLY IS:
This made me laugh out loud (literally, not like “lol”). Actually, I think the hair and makeup is one of the weirdest things about getting married. I keep saying to my mum, “The ceremony is not until 3pm. What are we going to do all day?” And she keeps saying, “You’ll need to get ready!” ALL DAY?!?!? For 5 hours? What on earth does such time consuming getting ready even involve?
All this to say, I’m not really much use, but I wish you luck!
I used the exact same makeup I wear when I wear makeup at work, plus a wee bit of eyeshadow. I intended it make it fancier, and then I ran out of time. Much like a normal work day.
I use Dove deodorant. I like it.
Once, when I was a bridesmaid, I wandered into the Bride’s Salon of Choice and told the lady to put it “up”. Those were the end of my directions, and she did an amazing job. So I took photos of that, and handed it to my own stylist. We had a small fight when she insisted on giving me french twist with antennas instead, but that’s what the hair trial (and the bridal posses) are for, right? The final hair version had no antennas and was awesome.
My whole routine was just a little bit fancier than a normal day. I figured, why make it harder? It’s already been battle tested, and I know how to do it. And this way, I looked like me!
Honestly, I never really figured all this stuff out and I’m not sure that you have to. And the whole obsession with hair styles and makeup looks for months and months leading up to the wedding is ridiculous. As if we don’t have bigger things to worry about? Pick a hairstyle and move on, people. Even on the wedding day, we can’t expect ourselves or our personal care products to be indestructible. Something will probably need to be fixed eventually. Personally, I needed a makeup retouch and a hair fix halfway through the day. Then again, I didn’t spend 3 hours getting ready. I spent an hour getting ready, less time than my bridesmaids did. But that’s just me.
As for products, I second the promo of Dove deodorant. I have sensitive skin and it works great. Or maybe one of the new clinical strength deodorants that you can get at drugstores now. As for makeup, I’d highly, highly, highly recommend some form of mineral makeup. The stuff I use from Physician’s Formula doesn’t melt or cake (like liquid foundation), it’s got good coverage when used with a concealer, and it lasted almost the entire wedding day.
Yeah, I’m with Miss Fancy Pants: didn’t figure it all out, but it was still okay (or something like that).
I’m a proud (and yes, sweaty) hippie deodorant wearer most days, but I picked up a “Secret Clinical Strength” version – for sensitive skin – the day before the wedding because I didn’t want to be B.O. bride. I was okay with my Frizzy-Haired Bride title.
Also: go to Sephora and ask for a sample of this and this (or try the monistat anti-chafing gel). This stuff makes your make-up stay last like nobody’s business.
Meant to include this link too.
AMEN!!!! And ten Hail Mary’s to that one.
Ef Tom’s. Love my hippie stick (and the fact that you reference beer deod. is awesome btw), but it makes me smell worse. Lavender sucks balls. Big, stinky lavender B.O. balls.
I use Old Spice deod. Sure I smell like a dude, but at least I don’t smell like said balls. It doesn’t prevent the sweating so much, but I’d rather be leaky than stinky.
As for hair and tear ducts… I have no idea. Just gonna go with the flow. I’m just praying my cowlick works with me on wedding day.
Also laughing out loud!
I wish I had good advice on this…but I’m an infant when it comes to makeup. and hair. and deodorant. I would say to do what IRMCK suggested and just do your normal biz but maybe just a bit fancier. If you are interested in new products, go test some out, but otherwise just keep on doing what you are doing!
And if you find some super awesome non rash inducing deodorant…please share! I’d like to know!
I used to get rashes from deodorant on days when I shaved. I switched to a deodorant that soothes (and for some reason it also seems to mean that I have to shave less often). No hippie stink, no hippie deodorant, and no sweat staining grossness.
I am having serious hair issues. My hair looks terrible long, and I can’t stand the idea of living with it for another year like this. I thought I wanted an updo, but maybe I just want to go have someone blow it dry and spray it into a helmet.
As far as makeup, I have no idea. I am completely out of my element there.
I snorted a few times reading this. I’m sure everyone around me at their cubicles is wondering what the he**….
When you grow up 50% Lebanese you grow up learning to walk around with deodorant in your bag at all times. Marrv tries to convince me it’s all in my head, but I do the subtle lift arm like you’re stretching take a quick sniff test almost 5 times a day just to be sure.
OMG. Okay, I get the welty things with 99% of deodorants (kinda like poison ivy, but more sucky?). I can ONLY use Secret brand. Get the clinical stuff and you are good.to.go.
Seriously. I don’t even know what ingredient I’m allergic to in deodorants, but Secret doesn’t have it. EVERY other kind does.
If Secret gave you the welts, then crap. I tried. Sorry.
Figure it all out?? Um, I’m doing my own hair and makeup and hoping to everything that it turns out okay. I’d love to have someone make me look lush, but alas, it isn’t in the budget. (That ish is not cheap.)
*fingers crossed*
Deodorant…I use a hippie apricot kind that isn’t all that effective. 🙁 But it smells nice when I put it on and doesn’t have aluminum in it. 🙂 I look forward to hearing if you find a miracle deodorant that works on sensitive skin. Make-up…Mouse at Souris Mariage has a post now on make-up trial runs. Maybe that could be helpful?
My make-up was pretty close to my normal look/routine, and my hair was half up/half down, and I just did that myself. But I had practiced beforehand and it worked out fine ’cause didn’t want a complicated up-do. (I was too worried my back wouldn’t look pretty to even consider that!) I guess I was lucky because I got married in cool weather and it was indoors, so the heat and wind were really non-issues…and my deodorant was also not put to the test too much either, thankfully. Keep us posted and good luck! Thanks for the hilarious post that cracked me up, especially the deodorant bits.
Hair – I wanted it “up and sorta twisty” She did it and it was awesome. Didn’t over-think that one!
Makeup – “nice and natural” This one was trickier as at the trial she still insisted on gobs of white stuff around my eyes that probably look good in photos but look downright freaky in real life. On the wedding day I convinced her to tone it down. Oh and at the end she sprayed my face with this minty stuff (which feels like mouthwash in your eyes, should have kept eyes closed as instructed) and is apparently like hairspray for your face. Sounds unhealthy, but I think it might have worked. I got shiny as per usual but the makeup really seemed to last through some serious sweaty dancing.
Deodorant – ok so I totally bought into those commercials with the girls on their wedding day, proudly displaying their “clinical strenght” covered armpits. I bought it and fortunately, I tried it early because unfortunately I was totally BO Bride at the bachelorette. Ok, it’s possible I just don’t know how to apply such highly evolved deodorant, but I’m just saying, take that stuff for a good test run first! Oh and I reacted once to a deodorant too but the other brands seem to be good.
The beauty routine gets really freaken loaded pre-wedding. Totally deserving of italics and boldface. Hopefully this doesn’t sound too cliche, but I swear you don’t have to be perfect and no one will notice or care, including yourself.
Here’s what you need to do:
keep drinking your water
exfoliate (you can use a rough washcloth for this)
moisturize regularly
get your eyebrows waxed/done sometime the week before
use the following products for basic makeup and you will look gorgeous:
-Foundation: Makeup Forever HD foundation. Seriously, it’s amazing stuff.
-Primer: If you get the foundation at Sephora, ask them to throw in some primer. Or use the suggestion here (that I found via Margaret last week): http://www.weddingbee.com/2010/01/23/ace-your-face-pt-1/)
-Some sort of blush or bronzer to add back color to your cheeks/contour to your face. I like tarte (also works on lips!) http://tartecosmetics.com/tarte-item-natural-beauty-cheek-stain
-eyeshadow – if you get a base from MAC, you can even use cheapo drugstore stuff and it will stay and look great. I am useless at color coordination, so I bought a palette of neutral browns from some makeup counter and use it everyday.
-Eyeliner – I have Revlon colorstay. There are better options, but this works for me
-Eyelashes – invest in a curler. Curl and apply Cover Girl Lash Blast (orange, waterproof.) Seriously, the best non-Dior option around. You don’t need anything else
-Lips: you can use the tint from above and a lipgloss and done. I prefer kissing and drinking, myself, so I don’t much care about fancy lip color
-keep the shine away – Urban Decay finishing powder. Keeps you de-shined and doesn’t add color to fyour foundation. It just sets everything.
Yeah. Beyond that you don’t need much. Get good foundation and powder and you can go somewhat cheap on the rest and now stress too much. You’ll look natural and great. Practice in the mirror. Youtube has a bazillion tutorials if you’re looking for a specific eye look (smoky, vamp, natural, whatever) which I’ve found useful in the past.
And for peace of mind, wear some extra strength deodorant on the wedding day. Toms is generally a bad product all around (in my experience.) I don’t love the hippie crystal deodorant but others swear by it (also at Trader Joes) for everyday odor protection. But I’d still go mega-protection that day.
Amazing list, Becca. I am giving this a try. You may have just saved me some serious cash.
YES to drinking lots of water! I know there are still questions as to how much “good” it does, but I swear, it made a noticeable difference in my skin. I started drinking *at least* 64 oz. of water per day about a month before the wedding… mostly because
1) it was boiling hot
2) I was helping my family move house
3) they don’t have a fridge (= nothing besides filtered tap water)
4) they also don’t have air conditioning
Anyway, I consciously chugged water (as opposed to my usual habit of drinking it only when I’m thirsty or exercising) and my normally dry (yet somehow also acne-prone) skin was glowing, even weeks before. Now if I can just get myself back in the habit…. 😛
where were you before I got married???
I liked the plan on Souris Mariage today (or possibly yesterday) of testing out makeup by wearing it to crazy dance parties. It would work equally well for deodorant I think. Bonus: everyone could use more crazy dance parties in life.
…you can’t cook an egg unless you got a frying pan…
Oh, HONEY, I am right there with you. Do you watch The Office? Do you know the episode where Steve Carell’s character is being deposed and he sticks panty liners in his armpits? While this is extremely humorous (and slightly disturbing) sometimes I reflect on this and think OMG he is a GENIUS and then I think of the time when there were these things called “dress shields” which were basically the same concept and I think about how awkward that would feel in these times of more carefree fashion where we are not used to being girded with all sorts of bodily assistance/restrictions. And then I sigh because I am apparently the sweatiest, stinkiest person on the face of the planet, at least judged by the efficacy of all over the counter deodorants/antiperspirants (even the clinical strength kind).
And you already know how I feel about hair. Letting someone else touch my hair: AUGH! Appearing at the wedding looking like my hair was styled by blind beavers because I wouldn’t let anyone else touch my hair: AUGH!
I’m not even going to talk about make-up.
So, if nothing else, you can take comfort that I will be there to deflect and distract. Luckily we will be armed with booze and the excellent advice of the community here. But more wisely, we are going to look HOTT, it is going to be the best party EVAR, and who gives a damn what anyone else thinks?
I love you. Seriously, I think we may be twins. I remember dress shields. And I am sitting at work looking like a bling beaver styled my hair this morning because I am completely, fundamentally incapable of styling it myself.
Dude, you guys. All of your tips and advice are KILLING me, in a good way. If that’s at all possible. Now to write all this down and commit it to memory…
Also: HOORAY for not taking ourselves too seriously!
I got married to weeks ago when the heat index was 110. Awesome. Secret Clinical Strength Sport deoderant KICKS ASS, and as far as makeup…cut yourself some slack. You’ll have time for touch ups, and your guy is marrying you because he’s attracted to you. You don’t have to pull out all the stops. I did fake eyelashes (I wanted to so bad and I’m glad I did) and 1 color of brown eyeshadow with my fav eyeliner. Keep it simple, you’re going to look radiant no matter what happens!
Whoa. Gurl, this is too much!
OK, here’s my 2 cents. I am not a big sweat girl. I didn’t start wearing deordorant until I tuned thirty because I didn’t have to, then suddenly, I did. I liked the Secret clinical crap too, but it stains and bleaches colored clothing. Lame. Probably not a big worry on the wedding day though. Just make sure you test them and make sure you like whatever you choose. I used Dove now.
So, not a sweaty girl. Never reallly have ben. Did the regular ol’ deodorant thing day of the wedding. I got kinda hot at the end of the reception, but didn’t feel sweaty or gross or anything like that. Felt great, in fact.
At the hotel that night, the hubs helped me out of my gown and pulled it over my head. I almost fainted from my own stank. I kid you not. My dress was so ripe and I was so embarassed. I asked The Candyman if he could smell me and my grossness. He said he could not until he got a whiff of my gown. Nice right? If your gown has lots of layers, linings and stuff, be forewarned. Not sure what I would have done in hindsight. Spread deodorant on my belly? Maybe baby powder? Who knows.
ooooh yes… I also experienced the frightening post-wedding dress stink! Baby powder might have helped, but the very problem that causes dress stink (lots of layers) also mostly negates it as a problem because no one can smell it. Well until you take it off. I jumped straight into the shower at that point.
You know. I’ve also struggled with this but for different reasons.
I’ve tried a bunch of “natural” deodorants and they’ve all sucked… EXCEPT- The ROCK (or crystal, or whatever).
I KNOW, totally HIPPY to the max and extremely weird, but who knew that a piece of salt works???? Anyhoo- didn’t stop the sweat at all (which is actually a good thing for our system) but NO SMELL. Even Andrew used it.
sadly I had a weird reaction (ummm don’t ask) so we had to throw it out (not really due to the crystal, just my weirdness).
so yeah- seriously, i know it’s weird, but give the rock a try.
(my review: http://ecoyogini.blogspot.com/2009/09/overshare-my-body-tears.html)
🙂
i have sensitive underarms. I use Dove for sensitive skin.
I also use some really strong nasty stuff that makes my armpits sting. I put it on at night and it supposedly works for 72 hours. It stops stinging usually after about 8. It works wonders if you can get past the first 8 hours of wear!!!!
I cried the day before. It seemed to make me less emotional on “the day”
I wore very little makeup – smashbox photo finish (the green one) so I wouldn’t look bright red cuz i normally do, and I wore waterproof mascara as mascara and eyeliner.
Then i spotted on some bronzer!!!!!
don’t wear sunscreen on your wedding day. It will make you look washed out in photos.
i realize everyone is probably leaving helpful comments but I am just psyched you made a kids in the hall reference. i am a total geek for them
oh hon. have a glass of nice santa barbara wine and relaaaaax.
here’s what you need to do.
go to target or whatever and wipe some deodorant on your hand. go ahead. wipe 3-4 different testers on your arm. if they rash within 24 hours, chuck that one out of the candidate. i ended up with this frou frou dove pomegranate one for teenagers.
make up? you should try some korean stuff because that shit don’t come off easily. i had my mom do my base and then i did my usual make up + extra glitter + fake eyelashes.
i used: BB cream for base + tinted sun screen + bare minerals powder, some blush from urban decay, and eye shadow from bare minerals. eye liner and mascara: waterproof stuff that i picked up at ulta. stayed on all night.
hair: i went to my usual hair stylist girl who knows how my hair acts up, and had her do her usual magic.
shoes? i was barefoot by the end of the night. pfffft.
You are seriously hilarious. Okay. I agree Dove deodorant works. But, I don’t use it because all of my friends convinced me that I shouldn’t use that aluminum shit. So, I too tried a variety of things and I have two suggestions Earth Science and my friend swears by this crazy french stuff called lavilin
After one horrifying trial run of getting my make up done at a salon, I ended up doing it myself. I went to sephora, bought the smashbox primer – totally works. They tested the make up forever HD foundation and it beaded up on my skin, so I ended up just using my Bare Escentuals mineral powder. You can go to Sephora and have them try a bunch of different stuff on your skin. They were much more helpful than the crazy salon freak.
Do note: anything with titanium dioxide (SPF) will reflect flash photography, so don’t wear much if any at all. You can end up looking washed out in your pics. You also don’t want anything glittery or shiny. Anything you decide you like, do a trial run and then take pictures of it to see what you look like on film.
I ended up doing my own hair and I don’t think it looked that great but my hair stylist moved away the week of my wedding, so. whatever.
As far as the tears go – let em roll. But yes, if you cry the day before or before you put on your make up, you’ll be less likely to later.
Oh, and shoes – order them from Zappos or Endless and send them back, order and send back, order and send back. I think I ordered probably 15 pairs of shoes and sent them back. It’s free shipping both ways. As far as comfort goes, check out pro dancing shoes like Capezio. I ended up with gorgeous (if I do say so myself) kitten heels by All Black. Super comfortable but everyone’s foot is different.
Kiss my face roll on deoderant works 100 times better than that Tom’s of Maine crap. That stuff is terrible. My mom used to make me use it. It’s seriously awful. The Kiss my Face stuff works pretty well and is all natural and stuff too. I recently switched to using suave because I’m cheap and can buy like, 10 of them for $5 and stash one in every room and every purse because I always forget to put it on.
This is the best natural deodorant ever: http://www.etsy.com/listing/35641572/deodorant-cream?ref=v1_other_1.