For old times’ sake. Because this is seriously taking me back to the good old days of snark. Back when I was all fresh-faced and sprightly and thought the wedding industry existed solely for the purpose of mocking it.

I’ve been busy going through and tossing out our boxes of papers, samples, and other paraphernalia that had stacked up during ye olde wedding planning days, and at the bottom of one stack I found a magazine called Seasons Brides. It’s this free quarterly publication I’d spotted on the front desk of the Las Vegas Bella Bridesmaid store at which I’d first tried on my wedding dress. I’d snatched it up and taken it home with me because, Lordy, was it ever god-awful. This thing looks like it was laid out in Microsoft Word by someone drunk on wine spritzers and Trajan Pro,1 and it reads like it was hastily written by someone who learned English by studying old copies of Cosmopolitan. In other words, it’s perfect fodder for mocking.

So please enjoy this special excerpt, punctuated with my bracketed commentary:

20 FAIL-SAFE WAYS TO ENSURE
YOUR GROOM’S CLOSE AND PERSONAL

In every relationship, the first priority should be to get close and stay close with your partner. Don’t keep your distance. On the contrary, enter his zone and stay in touch. Communication isn’t always speaking aloud, but speaking with your body. [For instance, farting.] Follow your basic instinct and staying close wouldn’t be as hard as it sounds. [Really? Because you are making it sound like nuclear fission.] Remember always make sure you’re smelling your best and your breath is fresher than a baby’s bottom. [This can be achieved by sucking on baby wipes. Also: WHUT.]

Here are some of many examples to bring out the personal and physical in your groom.2

  • Whisper or blow in his ear.
  • Tease him by brushing your bottom against his body, this can be done at all times of the day or night. [And preferably during family reunions.]
  • Walk around in your undergarments.
  • Give him Eskimo kisses.
  • Glide your fingers through his hair. [Ask him why he’s prematurely balding.]
  • Use everyday items as a playful prop to stimulate his body. [Like steak knives! Or an inkjet printer!] He might in turn use his own prop on you. [I see what you did right there.]
  • Keep smiling until he smiles. [He will eventually become nervous and begin to slowly back away. Be sure to track him closely, or he may escape. Just like the last one did. And you are not going to let that HAPPEN this time, are you. ARE YOU???]
  • Play tag around the house, “the Tarzan and Jane way.” [Permit him to tag you, so that he can club you and drag you by the hair to his cave.]
  • Hold him while watching the sunset together. [When your arms tire, tie him to a chair.]
  • Kiss the back of his neck. [Slowly reach in his back pocket and slip out his wallet.]
  • Give him a massage. [In his pants.]
  • Hold his hand. [In his pants.]
  • Lightly trace “I love you” on his chest. [See if you can feel him trace “prenuptial agreement” on yours!]
  • Take a bath together. Use the sponge to wash his body. [Preheat oven. Lightly season him with salt before placing in the broiler for 8-10 minutes.]
  • Lay on his lap while lounging on the couch.
  • Feed him with your hands. [“Here comes the airplane! The airplane’s coming! Rrrrrreeeeeeeeerrrrrrrr bbbreeeeeoooooooowwwwp BOOP!”]
  • Go skinny dipping together in the ocean. [If you do not live near an ocean, approximate the effect by standing naked in your front yard and holding the garden hose over your head.]
  • Hug him from behind and don’t let go right away. [Or at least until you spot the box of doughnuts sitting on the boardroom table at his office status meeting. Sprinkles! How did they know you love sprinkles!!!]
  • Tickle him with your hair.
  • Play footsies under the dinner table. [Remember, it wouldn’t be as hard as it sounds if you follow your basic instinct.]

_______________________________________________

1 I’m sorry. This is an indulgent design-related joke. Please carry on about your business.

2 Of course, there are myriad other tips out there, too.